+ pHoBiA +

+ pHoBiA +
I just realized something...something which i have been suspecting for very long... it is confirmed... i have a phobia... a phobia of guys? or rather... a phobia of relationships... or more precisely, a phobia of commitment.
Last time... when anyone show the slightest, ahem, interest in me... ok, forgive me for being bhb here... it could all be part of my illusion... but anyway, i would shun them at the slightest indication. Even if we are just friends, or close friends, or people whom i'm totally neutral about, or dislike ones or even those whom i have good impressions on, i would keep them at arm's length. And at the tiniest bit of move, i would really 'ju4 ren2 yu2 qian1 li3 zhi1 wai4', if you know what i mean.
i don't understand why. i really don't know. it's not that i'm a lesbian or what... or mayb subconciously i am... hahaa... but the thing is, it's just my natural reaction! That's how weird things are. I've always tried to come up with explanations for this eccentric behaviour. That's why i've been suspecting about the doubts.
But what happened today made me realize the problem really lies with me, that i really do have a phobia. It was like i do have guy friends. I do mix well with some of them. Crushes too! Or even hoping some would take the initiative to know me better. It wasn't that bad if any took that initiative you know? The scary part was, when you go out with someone, a friend, and the strong notion of him falling for you just suddenly flashed past your mind, it was so irky!! That's right! At that moment, i really feel like vomiting, literally! It was so turn off! Even if i may like that person, everything positive simply disappear there and then! i just feel like puking! hahaa... thats so pathetic! Why is that so? It wasn't that disgusting if someone you totally dislike keeps pestering you.
It was like i would want a friend to get warm up to me, treating me as a friend.. and more... i mean, as in a good friend or close friend. But when that guy started to get really warmed up to me, oh man! that gruesome feeling comes! It was just like i was so scared he fell for me, or worse still, i was so scared he THOUGHT I fell for him!!!! There's a difference with a guy liking a girl, and thinking that a girl likes him. If things went smooth, they will surely get attached in the end in both cases. But the problem is, I wouldn't want to be attached to a guy because i like him, or he thought i like him! Because i don't want him to be attached to me because he don't mind being my bf! I want a guy who truly likes me because he likes me, not because i like him. Now i guess no one understands what im talking about here. Well, so long as i know, who cares! hahaa..
And i finally concluded that it is a commitment problem. I'm a person who loves freedom, that i know long ago. I hate being restricted. That's why commitment is a scary word for me.
That's what i found out too. If i go out with a friend, and there's a group of guys having fun beside us, guess what? I would actually prefer to join the group rather than being alone just the two of us! That's how i am! I'm still the fun-loving kid! I prefer having fun with big groups, rather than reserving my energy just for 1 person! Of course if we are really close friends, I really don't mind, but in terms of having fun... oh man! can you guess how much fun i'm missing out? That's why i know i'm not ready for relationships yet... or maybe not... hahaa... i might really don't mind being tied down to that someone of my life... but then again... who is the TRUE one?
And the one last thing which i deeply believe is the main cause of my phobia... it's all about the negative issues of relationships around me... 80% of my friends' relationships, they got together and they broke, found someone else and got together, and broke again... i felt so sad whenever i hear my friends falling out with their other halves, dumping others or being dumped. Actually in a relationship, no one is truly right or wrong. the one being ditched may not necessary be the victim; the ditcher may have suffered in silence too long to come to this decision. Only a few i know are still happily ever after.... but then again, let's hope they can end till the end of the world... and one more thing... the funniest thing... 70% of the guys i know, tell me at least once that they find talking to me made their blood boiling... and guess what?
the statistic of the century!
100% of my girlfriends' boyfriends hates me to the CORE!!!
wow! i never know i'm that powerful!! HAHAHAHaaa