+ mEnTaL wAr +

This is terrible. i hate this feeling. this feeling of uncertainty, doubt, fear of the unknown...
Do i deserve this? perhaps...
i havent been hardworking... no... this is not my most hardworking semester...
But... i had tried... this hadnt been my most hardworking sem, but this was my most attentive sem... i'd paid attention to the lecturers, even if i'd skipped some, or without notes... but i didnt sleep so often during lectures already... i'd tried to listen... even when i'd drifted off for a few seconds n missed a few points, i'd understood most of what i'd heard.

Even though i did try to do tutorials after school everyday, i realised i didn't achieve much... i spent most of my little time at home on projects... so many of them... Integrated Design, Struct II, FYP....

ID was horrible... everyone was so disorganised and uninitiated at first... No one knew what they were supposed to do and didnt bother to find out... those who THOUGHT they knew so happily insisted on their concepts and refused to accomodate other more correct ideas... Not that i'm very good myself, but i had to try hard to organise them up... i spent so long doing research so that i could at least get ourselves some ideas and started up, and even drag ourselves to the tutors for a clearer explanation of the theme... then for those who dunno or simply cant understand, i really had a hard time explaining to them whats going on, without them misunderstanding my good intentions... haiz...

Struct II, though we really had fun, it was the most taxing.... so much energy and many precious nights staying back trying to build up that bridge, which in the end failed us... haiz... it really zapped me of so much energy mentally and physically that i had to take long rests the next days in order to restore back my 'health'... (imagine carrying a dunno how many kilos' handdrill up and down for hours and all those technical work and concentration... trust me... its really not easy) and yah... i practically had to improvise the entire report the whole night when i had an important quiz the next day...

FYP is ok... initially i know nuts about what i'm supposed to do... simply because i'd never taken this related module before.. i chose this theme purely out of interest... noble eh? but well, that interest pays off i guess... i've got a nice tutor, a nice partner, a nice theme which i enjoyed so much... but i really spent lotsa time on the research.. a lot... really... but more than 50% are not relevant... zzzz...

On top of all these, there's still ppl depriving me of a computer to do my research and reports and powerpoints on, making me wait till the wee hours of the night only to realise that they are only going to give it to me in the dusk of the next morning after they finished their precious game...

...and also some irritating idiots who are so worried that i'd be bored to death without their constant irritations...

With my health so messed up like this, i really wonder if i would just die of a burst blood vessel one day sooner because of them!

People may say I havent been hardworking enough.... People may say it's time management... I'd say it's...
Mental power management

The mental power to stay attentive during lectures after long tiring journeys to school early in the morning....
The mental power to concentrate and study during late nights at home after a real taxing day from dealing with people and physical work...
The mental power to distribute your energy evenly to all areas.... I'd dare say, even if i had the spare time, i didnt have the energy to focus and concentrate on the books...
And now... the mental power to stay focused amidst the overwhelming stress that is engulfing me, choking me to death every moment...

These days... i cant even sleep late.... I cant even wake up early.... Maybe this time, i really have to admit defeat to this mental war... or perhaps not?
No... its not over yet... I can still make the last struggle...

Maybe yes... maybe no.... maybe.... ARGH!!! I hate this feeling of uncertainty!!!

The outcome shall be released one and a half month from now....
Pray hard for me that i shall win....
*prays*