+ d|sc0|oUrEd +

These days, I have a weird feeling... not knowing what it is, but just weird.
Until today, i got it.
I don't know what to do with my life.
That's why i like idol dramas...

Since young, life has been purposeful. Our aim in life was to pass the exams each year. For ECAs, we had competitions, performances etc... In everything we do, there is an ultimate goal. Something to look forward to. When something ends, another begins. This is the joy of life, a colourful one.

What about now? I still don't know. When you know you had to do something irregardless if you like it or not, you will still do it. But when you are given a choice, suddenly, you can't find any reason to go on. It's not like I'm moody or what... I do wake up in the morning in very good spirits. And then? Do what? Haiz.. Clueless...
I know, some will say, do something you like, go out with friends, etc. And then? Another day pass... another week pass... then months... then years... then thinking back, wait... is there anything to think back at all? *sweat* There are things i want to do, but i just don't have the motivation to start, or to complete. Suddenly, things seem to have a lack of purpose. Anyway, sometimes, you just feel like relaxing without too much excitement.... looking back, i just realise i've relaxed my youth away.... zzzzz

About work wise, work doesn't seem to have any goals too... work will just go on and on, until the day you quit. I know this sounds funny from someone who had just changed a job, and who is glad she did. But still, don't understand. I know of some people with funny goals, like, be a millionaire by age 35, or retire by the age of 45 etc, which don't really make sense to me though. Anyway, after retirement, do what? Do anything you like? Like what? I don't think i need to wait till i'm a millionaire or a retiree to ask this question.
Actually I'm curious. For example a dentist with his own dental clinic. What can he goal for? The number of teeth he can fill everyday? Purpose.

Which is why i like to watch idol dramas. Besides the cute actors/actresses and the romantic sweet pure innocent love stories, one thing i like is the fun that everyone seems to be having, whether in the story or in real life. In the stories, the characters always have something to work towards to. Their will, their determination, their passion, whether or not they succeeded in the end, they're always burning with life. Out of the story, though it's tough work for the actors/actresses, still they had fun, or at least gained the experiences of being someone they may never be, or doing something they may never have done.
Imaginations gone wild, imaginations gone real.
But the most amazing part that i like about the idol dramas is the ability of the production crew to influence and control the audience's emotions, with plot, music, and even the angle of the camera.
Not that i envy the lives of the artistes... They surely have their dark sides too which i don't think i can endure, it's after all their work too. But even if it's really JUST a job, they still do have an end and a beginning. They have a purpose. When they finish on a production, they move on to start another one. And years later when they look back, they had all the DVDs and CDs to record the fruits of their labour. Nothing is in vain.
They have a legacy to spread. Look at Beethoven. So many years since he was dead, yet he still lives. I do no need to live for so many years. But what do I have, or what can I do to mark my once insignificant existence? Yes, the easiest way is children. Your children is a part of you, not just your resemblence in looks, but through the upbringing of them, you have passed on your knowledge, morals, habits. You will continue to live in them.

Which is why the most common of common sense which is to be instilled in us since young is that the purpose of living is to, study hard, get a job, get married and have kids. Yawnz... Boring, but sensible still. Which now the problem is, how to leave a legacy even if i do not get married and have kids. Even for Jane Austen, she never marry, yet she had written a few of the greatest classic novels of all times.

But before i find an answer to that last question, i have to solve the first question first.
What do I want to do with my life? Not too exciting, but a colourful one.

And regarding that poor dentist whom i talked about just now, perhaps he does find purpose in curing his patients of toothaches, and therefore he passes down his legacy, through people's mouth, in the form of a tooth.

+ Carelessly Spendthrift +

Was updating my resume just now, and I remembered how meagre my pay was during IA. However, life seemed much easier then than now, when my pay is so much higher....

My parents also didn't give me allowance during those times, and I survived solely on my own earnings and savings... yet i always seems to have more than enough... the sum in my bank account never hit 1k, but i'm not really bothered by it...

Nowadays, my parents also never give me allowance, and I'm still surviving on my own $$... and even after minus-ing away the allowance i contribute to my family, the insurance, the remaining is still more than the meagre pay during IA.

But it doesn't seem enough anymore.....

How come?

Have I adopted the habit of spending carelessly? I think so eh.... Oh dear....

In view of the economy downturn, everyone's anticipating a pay cut, or even jobless.... sooner or later....

Will I be able to re-adapt myself back to the thrifty old me, enough to live happily the penniless days, or will I be desperate and in despair, complaining and grumbling my days away?


But one thing to be glad about is, i do not have much commitment yet, like housing or car or spouse etc....

A blessing in disguise.