+ TrAns|t|0n Per|0d +

Finally, I've spoken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People always say, to cherish your school life as much as possible, because when you start working, you'll start missing your school life.

Hmm... How true is that? We will ask.

Then they will say, you will know once you start working.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so, seven weeks after I signed my name onto that Letter of Appointment, six weeks after I started working, one month and a half after i declared that place as my second home, perhaps I am a little fit enough to comment a bit on the above statement.

Seriously speaking, I do enjoy working.

True, I enjoyed schooling. I enjoyed taking my own sweet time to lessons, and then barging into the class feeling stupid and then straining my neck attentively for any tips on the upcoming quizzes. I enjoyed dozing off during lectures and then suddenly came wide awake when the lecturer announced this big portion of the notes is not included in exams. I enjoyed snuggling up to my friends in my warm pink huge winter coat which i call "Pinkie" and whispering my previous encounters with some cuties and chong chong and dong dong to them while they were furiously taking down notes in lectures. I enjoyed the bazaars and events and free lunches held occasionally in school. I enjoyed eating hot steamy deep-fried fish thin beehoon soup and jiao zi with my buddy during cold rainy days. I enjoyed rushing reports and rushing frantically from one end of the school to another to settle whatever issue that came up.

And I miss it all. But in a way, I do not wish to stay that way forever. Life consists of many stages, and the schooling stage is one of them. I enjoyed it fully, at least for the past six years, during which a large part of my character was developed. A way which i can call is Me. Of course there is still a LOT for me to learn and grow into, but at least Me took a bit of shape during these past few years. I guess the main reason why I totally loved the past six years and find it so memorable, is due to the thing that i most enjoyed doing, just being Me. I was glad I was given a chance to find Me, develop, and eventually given the chance to be a proper Me. I don't know if anyone can understand this whole chunk, but being myself is a simple thing that i didn't have the privilege of doing long time ago.

But as it is, the schooling stage has ended for me. Perhaps in future I might still go back to the books again, but the whole experience will be entirely different. I had cherished and will always love my school days.

Yes, Life moves on. The next stage shall be the working stage i presume. I've moved on, but there will always be a transitional period in between every stage to adapt to the new environment. For the first two weeks into working, I had nightmares almost every night, all of the same ending: I would wake up flustered, and then trying to remember whether my convocation had been all a dream, or am i really in the working world now? Am I waking up to go to school or go to work? I was so afraid to wake up and find myself having to go to school in the morning. I was so afraid I would wake up and find myself still a student and that I still have to go for exams; that would really be horrifying, because i havent touched the notes since a long time ago. I felt i had lost touched with books.

It would be contradicting to say i enjoyed my schoollife, and yet still be terrified at the thought of going back to school as a student. Indeed, this is not unusual at all, considering the immense stress I was under especially for the final year in Uni. I love the rushing for deadlines, I love the the cramming of information in a foot thick of notes into my brain during the night just before the exams. But I was afraid of the end results. I was afraid I could not get the required grades to pass, I was afraid I could not achieve the goals i had set for myself. I have to say, a lot had to be accredited to Luck. And therefore, having been lucky thus far, I hope not to go through it again. Once is enough. Twice is too much. Because my motto in Uni was "Luck never come twice", and true it was.

Perhaps that was another reason why till now, i enjoyed working. I am freed from that kind of stress, and I am more recovered to myself again. Of course, another contradiction. I said I had been Me for the past few years, so how can I be more recovered? Well, to be more precise, the very STRESSED Me showed up for the final year. I frowned more and stayed away from socializing because I prefer to spend more of my time on notes and my close friends rather than spending the time to get to know more friends all over again.

And now, being freed from that, I am more Me again. And to my own surprise, I'm totally alright with dining with five persons, one of whom I had only known for one month, and the rest totally strangers. This is something which I had not done/experienced since 2 years ago. This is like, SOooo ME lo! hahaha.... Eh, but still, please don't go around dragging me to meet new friends. Remember, once is enough, twice is too much! Hahaha... Aww.. Whatever.


Anyway, the comparison between schooling and working shall be done in due course, not now. But it is now time to sit down and address a question properly. A question which everyone will ask themselves at some point of time, and a question which i would always ask myself everytime I enter a new environment.

Do I remain Myself, and show everyone who I am?
Or do I hold back a bit of myself, and let the droning of the environment conform me?

Something struck me suddenly yesterday, and I felt I had to address this question, and solve it fast. I enjoyed schooling, and I enjoyed working. But there is something very different between both that is very disturbing. And I finally came to this conclusion.
In school, i can be choose my friends, and show my true self. At work, i observed that it seems wrong to show your Self. To say it simply, in school, everyone is free to show their true selves to each other and anyone they want. At work, everyone seems to be holding back a lot of themselves. How do I justify my words? I don't know. This is just a feeling and intuition that I got.

Of course, one may say I'm rushing, that it takes time for people to warm up to others, that because i only know them for six weeks, there's no need to be close friends too fast. But what I observed is not how their attitude towards me, but more of their attitude towards each other in general, me excluded. I can understand if people hold back themselves from me, but from each other? Who have worked together for at least half a year or one? Is this really their character or not?

To put it even simplier, it feels as if everyone is just Colleagues to each other. Nothing more.

Is that really how it should be? That there is no thing such as Friends in a working place? To spend ten hours each day together and still not reaching to a stage called Friends? Isn't it something pathetic?

Then it goes down to that question. Do I still insist being myself, and then increase the risk of being 'harmed' in the future? Or do I start my defense now?

That's pretty silly, because my policy has always been that, that more you defend, the more people want to attack you. That's probably one reason why till now, I havent really been attacked, because everyone already knows how stupid I am, whyfore should they attack me? Waste resources only. Muahaha....

But then, now this concerns my livelihood. What to do? What should I do?

Hmm...

I think by the end of this entry, I would have come up with a solution. And perhaps I already did. But I shan't say. Anyone who is patient enough to read every word till this point, would have guessed my solution.

But whatever, I think I will still bid my time to Grow Up, in the sense of behaving n thinking like what most working people do.

After all old habits die hard.

For example, I can never learn to process my thoughts before shooting them outta my mouth and end up getting into trouble.
Even if i do process my thoughts, I can never learn to sift what to say and what not to say, and end up saying the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong person.

And I can never learn to make a right decision within a time as short as finish writing one blog entry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Munchie! ^^

+ HARASSED +

KAOZ!!
HOW CAN ANYONE MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS IN THEIR OWN HOMES EVER GET HARASSED!?!?!?!?!??!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS THAT CALLED.
MENTAL HARASSMENT? PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT?

WHATEVER!! I'M SO SO SO SO SO BLOODY PISSED AND FURIOUS NOW!!

ALL IDIOTIC MEN OUT THERE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO BUT HARASS PEOPLE IN THEIR OWN HOMES ALL DAY LONG
GO
DIE
NOW!!!

+ o0pS! +

00ps! I did it again.

Sighs.... Yes, I'm beaten down flat out AGAIN! And i definitely did not ask for it.

How did it happen? Why pick on just me?
Thanks man, for showing me how stupid I am. Does it please you that much?

I know I'm dumb. I know I'm slow.
But I'm trying.
Hard.
I really am!

At least, give me some time to prove that I can do it.
I really want to do it.
And do it well.

I know I'm stupid, but come on, keep the challenges coming.
I hope you keep it coming on and on.




I know I will take a long time.
But I hope, even if it's Infinity later, that there will be a day when I can finally take it up and beat it flat down.

Then you can laugh all you want.

+ sAy +

'Say, one day you wake up, and you realize that all that had happened in the past 20 years is actually just a dream. What would you do?'

This was just a passing notion I had one day, and I thought of asking my friends about it.
And it was a wonder to see the interesting initial responses by each individual, due to different perspectives, and even different intepretations.


"See if i like what i was then, or maybe will do what i really should have since i can learn from that dream....."

"Carry on with the current life after the dream. Reality is after all reality for us to continue living......"

"I would be in a total loss and feel helpless. I will try to find out what in reality happened to the 20 years when i am asleep........"

"Maybe at that very very moment when i know that, i may just cry. Mixed emotions. If those happy things that happened in 20 years are just a dream, isn't it rather sad.....?"

"I will feel lost. But then life goes on... who knows... maybe this reality you woke up to is just another dream again......"

"I will do nothing. It's just a dream. So just carry on living as per normal......"

"You mean i'll be asleep for so long......?"

"I think i'll be quite sad and lost. But after that i'll still live as normal, and keep the dream as memory......"


Some answers led me to lots of laughter, while some set me thinking. But actually none of these answers are crappy or whatever. In fact i find all of them good answers. Because my friends really thought through this question, and gave me answers that came from the very bottom of their hearts, which i appreciate a lot. Because some people might dismiss me as being crazy or don't even bother to entertain me. But these friends actually took the trouble to give it some thought, and actually tell me what they think. And some even went into deep discussions about it with me! Really thank you!

For those who know me well, they will know that every now and then, i'll pop questions that are quite neither here nor there(of course, the ideas usually pop into my head from out of nowhere too, thats why the questions are neither here nor there |pun intended| haha). Which is also why there will often be many ways to intepret those questions.
For those who just got to know me, well, there's more questions like this to come! Hahaha...

Anyway, for me, at that very moment, I will feel lost too. But after that, I will probably feel relieved. After all, it's a 20 years worth of lessons to learn, and decisions to be made. All the 'lessons learnt' and 'decisions made' in the dream, shall allow me more wisdom in living my current life. All the sadness in the dream will help me grow, and all the happiness in that dream, shall always be part of my memory. It's like having a second chance at Life again, even if it's 2 totally different lives.

One of these friends commented that it was as if he had always been living in a dream. Everything seems unreal. But to me, there seems no difference. Life is but a dream. So long as you live the way you want it to be, it doesn't really matter if you are living in a dream or reality, isn't it?

Sometimes, it's really a wonder how Fate works. Many a times, in the most unexpected situation, the most unexpected will happen. So much so that the unexpected become expected
(probability expectation: UNExpected multiply by UNExpected = Expected. UN is cancelled out).

Perhaps it's really true how the saying goes: In every dire situation, an opportunity arise.
It is only up to Fate if that opportunity is meant for you to grab, or it is meant to simply fall into your hands.

But then again, even when Fate has it that the opportunity falls freely into your hands, it is still up to you to hold it properly and not lose it. So in the end, it is still up to you to use it WISELY.

And therefore it is up to me. Even when I am very scared. Really very scared. But I can not, will not and shall not give up.

G00d luck to me!!

PS: This entry contains more than one topic, so apology if the words don't link.
PPS: Any feedback to the above question in the very 1st line is very welcome.
Disclaimer: The equation of "probablity expectation" is not taken from any printed textbooks and is wholly based on my own theory, aka CRAP lah!

+ F0rMa| wEaR +

Why do I dislike wearing formal wear?

Firstly, because I have to stand and sit up straight!
Secondly, because the cloth material for office wear is too "unbreatheable"! Long sleeves, not breatheable, plus the hot weather makes me sweat till......
C00l on the outside, but 'raining' in the inside!
Thirdly, i have to wear court shoes with formal wear. Yes, they give me BLISTERS!!! Ouch!
Fourthly, they are expensive. Sobz..

But lastly, and most importantly, they are a facade to me. The main reason why I am not comfortable in formal wear is because whenever i put on formal wear, i give most people a wrong impression of confidence, maturity and wisdom, which is particularly useful during presentations. (But of course, once I speak, the facade will be shattered)

The fact that I write the above down is precisely because i am not trying to brag!
Because in reality, I am not confident. I am not mature. And I am definitely not wise!

And I certainly do not like people to think that I am a clever and confident girl only to tell me a few months later after knowing me that how much mistaken they were! (Even though they do not mean it to be a sneer)

I just want to say, how I look or whatever impression I give whilst wearing formally and behaving formally is totally unintentional. I have always tried to show the true me via my actions, words, behaviours. How I look, is totally beyond my control. Because i can't see myself.

Perhaps the day when i am able to say that i am comfortable wearing formal wear, when I am comfortable giving people the right impression of confidence and maturity, will be the day when I am truly, inside and out, a confident person. =)

+ tW0 s0re FeeT, l0ts 0f w|zArDs, aNd a bUnCh 0f f|0weRs +

Actually, today isn't a very special day for me. Even though this is supposed to be a mark, a proof of what i had sow all these years. But it isn't very anticipated. After all, it started with a rainy weather.

Somehow, i found it rather hard to smile, when everyone around was smiling. I just had a neutral feeling about everything. And on top of it, i felt lost. Everyone was busy grabbing friends for photo shooting.
I'll stand around and try not to get into people's way.

I didn't want to go in too early, because i didn't want to miss any friends whom i know might come along. Luckily, i still managed to take photos with the few friends whom i wanted to take. My faithful friend tuck a few strands of my messy fringe under the mortar board and said,"
Smile! You should smile widely!" I simply told her," I feel very lost."

So she accompanied me in, looked for the place to take attendance, looked for my seat number, waited for me to collect my attendance card. And after joining up with a few other friends and engaging in a few more and merrier phototaking sessions, she and another friend suddenly
presented me with a bunch of flowers!! Oh! That was really sweet and thoughtful of them! My very FIRST bunch of FRESH flowers in my WHOLE life!!

"So what?" my mother laughed. "Your first bunch is not even from a guy!"

So? Who cares?

So long as it's from someone who really cares! I'm more than glad to receive it from my good old girlfriends! Yes, much more than glad. I'm overjoyed and grateful! Thank you lots girls!
You don't know just HOW MUCH those flowers brightened up my day! I really love it!

Then I went in, get seated, and simply waited for the ceremony to begin. And begin, it did.

Suddenly, all my professors whom i had seen and never seen before marched smartly in. All dressed in cute, artistic and colouful robes.
There was one lady who "glided" up the stage before the others, her robe billowing behind her.

Suddenly, I saw Hogwarts.

If one took no notice of what we were wearing on our head, I saw all of us sitting there, dressed in wizarding robes. It was like at the end of the year in Hogwarts, when everyone came together to be addressed by the teachers. There, I saw Professor Dumbledore, in his dark purple robes, taking his seat right in the middle. Then one professor, i can't remember his name, he was dressed in blue. He had a meek expression, and he immediately reminded me of Professor Quirrell.

Where is Professor Snape, I wondered. Scanning the stage to look for one resembling him. But too bad, no one looked as sinister as him. Therefore i concluded he had returned to Lord Voldemort's side to continue his spying.
But all in all, I saw lots of wizards, and us, lots of young witches and wizards! It was so CUTE! It was a dream come true! With my obsession in Harry Potter fantasy, and suddenly i find myself immensed in it! Wearing oversized robes that billow behind me if i walked faster! Hahaha.. Okay, call it self-entertainment in the midst of boredom. Though it really worked. Never underestimate the power of Imagination!

After the ceremony, hahhaa.. the best part. Something which my friends and I had a habit to do during our school days. BUFFET!!! NICE f00d!!! G00d food!!! FOOD!!! Hahaha... That's right! Dinner provided by our school. That's what they are best in anyway.. hehez.. And all the going around and grabbing and hugging friends and professors to have a chat with them one final time. This time, I really smiled and laughed heartily.

But sadly enough, though there were many tables, there was no chair. Imagine me trotting around in a 3 inches high heels the whole night. What do you get? Yes. A pair of sore feet! Diaozzzz......

In the cab home, my parents were complaining about the fact that during the ceremony, the looooong ceremony, when the only short moment when I was to walk on stage, and they were about to take a picture of me, two marshallers stood RIGHT in front of the camera! For the whole 2 hours, NO one in front did as much as MOVED. But the moment my name was called, the two marshallers came and stood right in front. My dad tried to shoo them away, but to no avail. Finally they walked away, just at the moment i was about to step OFF the stage.

Hahaha.. Is this coincidence? No. I call it Fate. It was fated that I will not have a picture of my "triumph", shaking hands with the Dean(Dumberdore). But it's alright. In the end I was the one consoling my parents. Hahahaha... But really, I did not feel any resentment or disappointment. As i already said earlier today, i felt very neutral. Today is not a special day. So what does it matter if i had a photo of me shaking the Dean's hand?

But just before the cab reached my home, i made a conclusion of today.

I had done what i had expected to and wanted to do. I had taken photos with the friends and professors I had wanted to take with. I had seen some friends whom I believed will be the last time I'm seeing them. Except for one thing. Remember i once had an entry during the exams times, when my graduation was very uncertain. http://starlightdream.blogspot.com/2006/04/sprt.html

I once said I hoped to take that photo with him, so that I can make a perfect ending for the four years of Uni life. Now, I had managed to graduate on time. With him. But still, I did not manage to have that photo. Perhaps it was really meant to be, or meant not to be.
Nevertheless, I am content. Sometimes, it is the imperfection that makes things perfect.

Because after all, nothing in this world is perfect.

And what's more, I have already received 3 bonuses in one day today.

Two sore feet, lots of wizards, and a bunch of flowers!
^^

+ pSyCho|oG|ca| wARfArE +

Men. Beware.
You may win in physical Combat.
But psychological wise, alas! My pity.
Not a combat of cunningness.
Not a combat of mind's strength.
Yet, a combat of both.
Women win. They do.

Men. Beware.
The Master.
the greatest of all.
Is yet to come!

+ nEw a|M +

Okay I admit. I'm a n00b with photoshop, html, and anything with computers... Therefore, after hours of fiddling with photoshop, I gave up and revert back to what I'm better (not best) at.
Muahhahaa.... Shhhh......
But honestly, I did the banner by myself(not using photoshop lah!). Nice? Heez, I know primary school kids can do this too.. But so? I already said I'm a n00b! :P

Two months ago, my short term aim in Life was to graduate this year. Granted. ^^
Today, I found a new short term aim.
I wouldn't say it is something very good. But then again, it will not be that bad either. And when that happens, something shall disappear from this Earth....

Something.... or someone....

Eeek... sounds rather creepy hoh? Well, then don't talk about it anymore... It hasn't come true yet anyway! :D

Yup! This collage consists of a few of my favourite photos from my recent trip to Beijing. As I've said, I'm gonna leave my footprints round the globe! Therefore I've decided, the layout will permanently stay something like this. And I will change the banner whenever I've stepped foot on another place...

Hopefully s00n! ^^

+ tHe p0wEr oF fAm|LY t|eS +

This is the first time i felt the warmth of relatives relationships.
Very touched.
Yesterday, we made a trip down to my cousin, Cousin Zhen's house to borrow her convo robes. When we reached, only my aunt and uncle were at home, because my cousin was off to see the doctor. While waiting, we did some catching up.

After a while, Cousin Hiang, the elder brother of Cousin Zhen, reached home. We chatted for a bit.. Upon hearing that i'm still looking for a job, he immediately told me to ask Zhen later if her company has any vacancy since he refered to her job as an "easy job with high pay".
That was really nice of him to suggest that. Really thank him for his enthusiasm, though i wasn't too sure since my specialization was totally different from Cousin Zhen's field.

Then my Aunt added on, asking me to go to Waterloo Street more often to pray for blessings and for my job-searching to go more smoothly, and some other small tips on job-searching. So sweet of her for giving me the advices. People may say all these are superstitions or common knowledges, but it's really these small little gestures that counts! Really thank her for it! And probably if i have the chance, i'll put her advices to practice! hahaha...

Then Cousin Zhen reached home. We chatted a bit, and when she knew that I'm still jobless, without any cue from Cousin Hiang, she straight away asked me to send her my resume to her to forward to her company's HR, though she also wasn't sure if i even stand a chance because of the different nature in our specializations. But nevertheless she still asked me to try.

SO NICE OF HER!!!! She is so helpful! Her family are so helpful!!

Now i suddenly feel the wonders of family ties... the thickness of blood relations... Even though we may just see each other maybe for twice or thrice a year, whenever someone needs help, our family, including all out relatives, will always rush to help! So touched!

I know for some people, towards family or friends, they will only know that you are in this situation, and knowing is enough. They will just sit by and see how you get out of it. By yourself. Or some will even avoid you, fearing that you would approach them for help. Or some will just say they will help, but in reality, drag and drag and then hope you forget about it.

But for my cousins and their family, no, they did not. They approached me to help me instead! They are so helpful and warm and kind! May they be blessed!

Anyway, today, now, i just sent Cousin Zhen my resume. It was after office hours, so I thought maybe she will read my mail tomorrow then see what she can do to help me. And off I went for dinner.

Ten minutes later, I checked my mailbox. I received an email from her.
It was a bcc-ed copy of an email she sent to her HR, to recommend me.

See? Instant response. The power of family ties.
A kind heart is behind it all.

+ k|dS AgA|n +

How would you define a good kid and a bad kid?
This is a question which i finally come up with after gathering many many instances from people whom i believed that, once this question is solved, will benefit many people.

Sidetrack just for your infomation:
Like for a scientist, most of the time, he'll have an idea popped up, a theory formed, THEN he'll do extensive research and experiment to prove his theory. Seldom will there be a theory formed out of observing many failed experiments, though that's how aeroplanes came out. The theory of Aerodynamics are formed out of the many experiments by the Wright Brothers.

Anyway, back to the kids topic. How would one define a good kid?

From the societal level, in the past, the most an average parent would hope from his kid to be good, was for him not to get into bad company, not getting into unnecessary fights, not stealing/robbing/taking drugs, and if he would finish his education properly and find a job with a stable income and start a family, that would be a bonus.

Now, from my observations, a kid who merely refuses to finish his homework after school, and/or watch tv all day, and/or rebut his parents' nags or lecturings, but otherwise is a well-behaved kid in school and/or in public, is labelled a very naughty, or, "Bad kid".

Is that really so? Just because a kid doesn't follow "the rules", they are bad?

How about another kid who is very filial, do all his homework, helps out with housework, listens and behaves himself before his parents, never letting them worry for him, but in school, he cheats during tests, bully others, get into fights, schemed against others, being rude to anyone and not behaving properly in public.

How is he labelled then?

Reducing the scope to family level of nowadays, further simplifying, a kid who is well-behaved in school, in public, but is rude only to his parents and doesn't, and never want to do as they told him to? Vice versa, a filial and well-behaved kid in front of his parents, but create havoc once out of his house, out of his parents' sight?

In another case, a kid follows every rule there is in the legal law, every rule written in the school booklet, do everything he is told, but he does everything half-heartedly, thus most of the times, things don't turn out right. So is he still a good kid?

Do not think that the above descriptions are purely examples out of a concept. Nope. There are real-life people whom I know are like these, maybe even including myself.

I know, in the bible and many other religious teachings, cultural teachings, there will always be a number rule to being a good kid: Being filial, not letting your parents worry for you.

Now on a personal level, do you think you are a good kid?
Getting good grades, doing everything they told you to, staying at home everyday so that they will not worry about you creating havoc or turning bad outside, not talking back to them? Is that all? Is that really all it takes to be labelled "Good kid"?

So does it include showing concern for them, sharing their problems or happiness, bonding?

I had a friend who once told me, he did everything he was expected to do as an obedient kid. He stayed at home everyday, had all his meals at home, run errands for his parents and keep his own room. But he felt he was a bad son, because he hardly ever communicate with his parents. Instead, he felt his brother was a better son. His brother went out almost every day till very late night. But at times he would accompany his parents overseas or shopping.
So who is the good kid, and who is the bad kid?

Another friend, he always had good grades, and at times when his parents had any doubts or need any troubleshooting, they would consult him and he would always share his views and good advice. But otherwise he would either play computer games whole day, or go out with his friends, making his parents worry for his health many a times. But overall he had a better relationship with his parents than his sister had. His sister always stayed at home and helped with the housework and the errands. But she always quarrelled with her parents, upsetting them a lot.
So now, in this case, who is the good kid, and who is the bad kid?

Out of all the instances given above, what can you conclude? Do not tell me that to be a good kid, just do all the good conducts mentioned and throwing away all vices. Because no one is perfect. Though I've known one to be like that, but generally, no one can achieve that.

So can anyone tell me, what is the definition of being a good kid and a bad kid?

+ FaCt oR CrAp? +

Natural body fats are said to keep bodies warm. So why are some fat people still afraid of the cold, or feels cold easily?

Conclusion: Two reasons why people feel cold.
Either they have no fats, or they have big pores.
:D

+ sTaRs c0uNt|inG +

On the plane, midnight,
Mrs Li woke up from her sleep and saw her son who was sitting by the window, still awake.

Mrs Li: Son, why aren't you sleeping yet? We have a long day ahead.
Son: Mum, I'm counting stars.
Mrs Li (leans over and peers out of the window for 1 second) : So dark, can see meh? Go and sleep now lah. Tomorrow when the sun is out then count lo....
Son: .............

+ hEaRt bRoKeN +

I look beyond the window. Dark clouds fill the sky. Wind, from all directions. Very strong wind. Cold. Icy cold. Something... bad... is going to happen, yet i know, elsewhere out of this place, another person will be enjoying great fine weather. This... bad... something, will only happen to me, and me only.

Now I remember. When one gains something, he loses another. Falls only on me. How can I forget that? I can never have the best of both worlds.

Pushing against the door, I step out. Rain has fallen, but I do not feel droplets. As if a dam somewhere has broken, a huge wave of water sweeps upon me, drenching and chilling me right to the deepest of my bones, and soul. And I hear cracking sounds. Many. Soft and Loud. And suddenly, loud chinking sounds, as if a basket of beads has dropped, the beads bouncing and rolling on the floor.

Trembling, I wait, as the sound of the last bead bounces to a stop... Tut, tut, tut....... In the midst of the chills, something warms my face. And with the hot tears flowing down my cheeks, I look at the floor. Nothing is there, yet, vaguely, it is as if i see, millions of tiny pieces of..... a heart. Yes, all these tiny pieces seem to make up a heart. But whose heart?

Involuntarily, my hand places itself to the left of my chest.... a sour feeling, a little achy, and then nothing. It is a void. Then I realise, spewed all over the floor of my mind, is millions of bits and pieces, of my heart.

A broken, a shattered heart.

+ ReSuRReCt|oN +

Ever since i was crashed by Reinforced Concrete, I've been hovering around, as my body lies in the intensive care unit, fighting for breaths. And i was waiting for the Judgement Day to see if I can return to my body. Unfortunately, no one knows when that Day is.

Until yesterday, while i was floating above a dog trying to make it see me, i heard a voice
called, "Hey gal!"

I turned, and many other souls, male and female, turned too.

"No, not you all! YOU!" my friend pointed his finger right at me.

"Yea guy! Wassup?" I inquired, mindful of the others, whose eyes remained fixed on him anyway, eager to hear what he wished to say to me.

"What are you still doing here? The Scroll has come! Hurry up and let's find out!"

THE SCROLL! The scroll that decides our Fate!

"Really!? It's the~~"
*WHOOSH!* Suddenly a strong gush of wind flew past and i was caught in the turbulences and eddy currents with my hair all over my face. When i finally untangled all my hair and looked properly around, everyone was gone! All of them must have dashed to the arena for the judgement of the Scroll, and in the process dragging my friend along! P00r guy... He told me before he wished to be the last to know his judgement.

Well, since everyone was fighting to be the first to know, the arena must be very congested. I might as well take my time. It's either I'm returning to the mortal world, or going up as angel, or going down as...... (taboo). Therefore knowing I won't remain in this World of Uncertainty, I visited Moaning Mytle in Hogwarts, then the Black Mountains for Xiao Qian, and bade farewell to Casper, before being on my way.

As soon as it seemed, it was my turn. As I knelt before the Scroll, I was so nervous i was almost knocked out cold! A voice boomed, " ABRAACCCABRRRBBACABRACRACABARA...... As it is, I declared you..... LIVE!"

OMG!! What did I hear?? What did it say?? The world suddenly spinned and all the memories of my life flashed past me and.... AND.....

"Why do you take SO LONG? I've been waiting for ages!"

Huh? I opened my eyes and saw my friend who had informed me of the arrival of the Scroll, folding his arms and looking very pissed. "Come ON! Don't fall into a daze! Let's go seek out the others!" And he started walking, dragging me along.

"Are... are you an angel now or am I a.....?" I still can't believe my eyes.

"What? You are a HUMAN! We've all been resurrected! GET IT!?"


OH! WE've ALL BEEN RESURRECTED!!! GOODNESS! THANK YOU HEAVENS and all of you who had blessed me and all of us with LUCK! I CAN'T GIVE THANKS ENOUGH!! This is so amazing!!

I'M FINALLY BACK ALIVE!!!!! WE WON THE WAR!!!! W00H00!!! :D

+ dEsT|nY +

The choices we make, mark our Destiny.

Long ago, when Harry Potter first came to Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat told him, given his abilities, he would have done well in Slytherin as much as he would in Gryffindor. Yet Harry kept asking the Hat to put him in Gryffindor. As such, he was granted his wish.

However, along the way, he was quite bothered by it. Did he ever make the wrong choice? Was the Sorting Hat right, that he really should belong to Slytherin? Especially when he saw in himself some qualities that were in Lord Voldemort, who was in Slytherin?

But in one instance, Professor Dumbledore asked him, "Why then, did the Sorting Hat place you in Gryffindor?"

"Because I asked it to."

"Exactly! It is not out of ability that shows what we truly are, it is our choices."

There you are. Harry could have done well, in different ways, both in Slytherin or in Gryffindor. But he CHOSE Gryffindor. And that made the difference. And that made his Destiny. And that, made him a TRUE Gryffindor.


There is another drama that i caught recently. This man, he was a promising young doctor, excellent in his medical skills. In his greed for wealth, he became a businessman. And surprisingly, he was a very successful one. Now, he had the brains for being a doctor, and he had the flair for being a businessman too. He could do well in either. Who would tell him what is his destiny to be, a doctor, or a businessman?

His destiny lies in his choice. If he chose to be a doctor, he will be a famous doctor. If he chose to be a businessman, he will make a successful businessman. And that would be his destiny.

One week ago, like Harry, I also faced 2 paths out of my abilities, the paths that would lead me to my Destiny. And, many odds against me, I'd made my choice. Was it a wrong one or not, it no longer matters. What matters is, what will go on from here?

Everything that depends on Destiny, Fate, Me.

+ f00d? +

Does this look nice??
Can anyone guess what's inside??


Disclaimer: No prizes for correct guesses.






and what is this??

+ tHe iNf|uEnCe oF Da Chang Jin +

One afternoon, in the kitchen, Mum prepares for dinner,

me: Ma, do you think the actress in Da Chang Jin are really so powerful that they can chop their food so fast or do your think it's actually other people's hands?
the kid(chorus): Ooo Na Ra Oooooooo Na Ra....
me(joins in the chorus): A Du Ooo Laaa....
mum: Of course it's for real. All of them undergo training before they start shooting this film, or that's the way how they really cook lo...
me: oh.. so can you chop fast fast too?
mum: Like this lo... (chops very fast)
me & the kid(in high pitch): Ooo Na Ra Oooooooo Na Ra A Du Ooo Laaa....
me: Shall we visit Korea next time? Then we can eat real Korean food!
mum: Can... But seriously i don't think their food will taste nice to me. Everything is stirred up till so.... Nice meh?
me: Hmmm.... Ooo Na Ra....
the kid joins in: Oooooooo Na Ra A Du Ooo Laaa.... Ka Ta Ra Kaaa Ta Ra A Ku Da Raaaa....
me & the kid(in super high pitch): A Na Ni Aaaaaa~~
dad(suddenly out of nowhere): Oei! People wanna sleep lah! So inconsiderate! And you always complain that people are too noisy when you sleep!
me & the kid & mum: Oops!
mum: Carry on sleeping now lo...
dad: Can't sleep already lah.
And he turns on the tv and loud volume,
TV(advertisement): OOO NA RA OOOOoooo NA RA A DU OOO LAAAaaa....

dad: -.-!!

+ tHe mAssACrE oF tHe c0cKr0aCheS +

I noticed a disturbing sign just now. Out of nowhere, a big cockroach appeared in my living room, and it walked one whole round before my father sprayed at it with a can of pesticide. Initially i thought pesticide is for plants and won't be as effective as insecticide. But nope! seems like it's really effective! hahaha...

Then half an hour later, i went downstairs to run an errand. And guess what?! The moment the lift door opened at the first storey, before i can even step out of the lift, i saw DEAD COCKROACHES lying all around the lobby! Not one, not two, BUT ELEVEN!!!! Yea i counted them coz i was too overwhelmed. Almost got a shock. I'm beginning to sense something wrong... Then i walked on through many void decks to get my things done. And what do i see? More dead cockroaches! And they are mostly concentrated at the lift lobbies, though there are a few spewed across the open spaces in the void decks. When i passed by a household, those kind that is on the 1st storey type, i smell insecticide. It could mean that, like mine, a cockroach had just visited them. As i passed the drains, a few cockroaches are moving around too. Right in broad daylight! This errand trip, I walked a longer than usual route, because i have to keep going around in circles to avoid dead n alive cockroaches. Imagine seeing more than 20 cockroaches, dead and alive, in one go? Ultra disgusted.

What happened? Why are so many cockroaches out in the streets in broad daylight? And most of them are dead? Are the nests suddenly wiped out? But that would not be an easy feat, because it would mean wiping out nests at different locations at the same time! And what caused the wipe out? Poisoning? Disease? the professional Insect-killer? What day is this in the lunar calendar? Is today a special day? Is it the weather? I heard that when many insects are killed together in one day, some supernatural forces are involved? Or is a great catastrophe going to happen? Earthquake? Flood?
What?

+ hE|p|Ess +

Sometimes i really wonder... Now I know... I'm actually such a senseless, or nonsensical, bitch in the eyes of many. I'm a saneless, act cute buay cute, brainless old hag trying to behave or look juvenile, who always complains about everything around me and criticise anything i can get my eyes on and whines about all the stuffs that gets on my nerves.. and not to forget, an extremely easily irritable emotionally unbalanced female who would not think on both sides of things and can only see things narrowly from that tiny one point of view.

Sigh... When i voice my opinions on some subjects, obviously i know what's the big picture and what is and what is not. Obviously i know the whole world is not like how i said. Of course i know what i've pointed out is only the minority. Does one expect me to rattle out a whole GP essay before I point out that small insignificant point of mine? Am i expected to repeat that essay every time i want to add on to my tiny point? It's precisely everyone knows about the general view and the facts, that's why i intentionally omit it out when i voice out a small point against it. Why is it called a general view? Because everyone knows it! Since everyone knows it, why should i repeat it? But somehow, people will start thinking that I'm so prejudiced that i fail to look at the big picture and that i generalized the whole population by my words, by that small point because i thought it to be so logical. Sigh... Must i repeat myself? Obviously i know there are still many different kinds of view on the same subject. Obviously i know there are still many kinds of people better than those i've pointed out. Obviously i know what i've pointed out is only a small tiny instance which the sampling rate may not even be significant enough to make any conclusion. Obviously i know it can even be an isolated and random incident on its own. Why can't people even trust my sanity, my judging, or even thinking abilities? Am i really that brainless to them?

Indeed, i may appear insane at times. I may sound babbling nonsenses at times. Well, I admit. Sometimes i really hope i can be insane and babble gibberish. At least I need not face all these craps. But the truth is, I'm still as sane as ever. If only someone will really sit down and listen properly to what i say. But then, it's another funny thing. Because some actually find me depressing. Sometimes, how a person interpret something actually is dependent on the listener himself. He may hear or read neutral words, but he can interpret them as depressing, or happy, according to his own mood at that point of time. I admit i'm at bit more expressive in my words at times, but most of the words i chose are neutral. I may look or sound explosive, but why can't i lose myself at times? Why should I always be level-headed?(even though at the end of everything i'll still be the level-headed me) But can't I even express myself, or even get overwhelmed by emotions sometimes? I'm not a saint, nor a public figure. I'm just a nobody. I am just me. Even if I drop dead in the busy streets of Orchard Road, no one will notice or even miss me. I can look or sound one emotion, but i'm actually feeling another emotion, which can be totally opposite. This is my way of expressing myself. If people can't understand, i can understand that. So long as i understand myself, it's ok. Because this is all that matters. But if people interpret me as depressing after me letting them on my innermost thoughts, then I'll rather not do that. At least i won't make other people sad, even when i'm not being sad to begin with. People can choose not to listen.

When I'm happy, I'm happy. And I do have my own ways to show that. And I do not do that deliberately. It's just an innate thing. Even i myself may not realise it. To think people, even those very close to me, say i'm acting cute. I know i look older than my age. i know i'm very big sized. i know i should act mature. But does that mean i should control everything i do, everything i am, everything i feel? If so, what's the difference of this from acting cute? Both are putting a facade. For what purpose? I empathsize again; I am not cute, and I do not act cute. Cute is an objective term. Some things that i do, to you it may seem acting cute. If that's the case, then all i can say is, I'm sorry, there's nothing i can do about it. What if i behave in a way which to you is natural and not acting cute, but to some other people I am acting cute? Do i have to change my behaviour again to suit their terms? Or do i behave differently in front of different groups of people so that the groups of people can accept me? That's such a chore. It is not worth it to waste life like this. People, get alive please. Stop living for the sake of living. Stop living for others. Of course, some people are going to say, "Then how? So others are going to suffer on the expenses of you being yourself? By being yourself, you won't spare a thought for others?"

See what i mean? Why can't people trust me? Obviously i do not mean it that way. I trust humanity. I trust that everyone has their own minds that do not need to go to extremities. That's why I do not bother to explain myself. But seems like reality is sometimes more disappointing that you think. In this case, when i say "get alive", i trust that all humans with brains, or even a heart, are able to figure out how to balance the situation of being themselves, but not at the expenses of others. They can start living for themselves, but in a better way where they can express themselves, yet others are able to accept them in spite of their differences.

Pathetic. Do I need to explain myself like this that includes many sides of view every time i wish to make a point? Say, on a blog, I do not have that much of time to sit down and write out a whole GP essay. For your information, I used to take 2 hours to complete a GP essay. Here, I'm typing, meaning i have to use a longer time. How many 2hrs can i afford just to make a point? Even listing out all possible points of view is time consuming. That's why i usually go straight to the point. Say, on msn, it's even worse, because conversation is continuous. the opposite party will not have the patience to wait for you to present so many viewpoints on a case just because you wish to make a point. that's why i always go straight to the point. If you seriously would like to hear my views on some subjects, the best is of course the conventional way. Give me a dial or meet up over a cup of coffee. We can make time for each other and really sit down and discuss upon everything under the sun. Then perhaps, we'll list down all points to all the cases we discussed, and preferably made a clean conclusion to all cases to the benefit of mankind, that everything is dependent on the situation and there is no right or wrong in anything. And isn't this always the case? That's why I do not wish to repeat that conclusion everytime. Because i assume everyone knows that there is nothing certain in life. Everything is dependent. Even Time is relative.

Perhaps the best way for me now is to be a person totally void of all emotions, expressions. Even if i'm bursting with anger, I should still keep my cool else people will start thinking i'm emotionally unbalanced. Even if I am happy, I should not laugh lest people think I'm acting cute. Even if i have some thoughts about stuffs in general, I should still keep them to myself, because some people will find it depressing. I should do everything everyone orders me to, and say and think the way everyone does. It's best if I, and everyone else, can keep their opinions to themselves, unless you want to agree on what the others say. Because no one will appreciate your views anyway. You will only be a pest.

Ah-ha! thought you've caught me don't ya? I'm being extreme over here now. To summarise, I state again. I am not a saint. I can go to extremes too. But all that matters to me is that I know that at the end of everything, i will still balance up my emotions and thoughts and reason myself back to the midpoint i always am. So how does it matter to you? You just have to trust me on that. If you find my words depressing, and it agonises you, perhaps its time to do something. It could be me, and it could be you too. If it's the former, then just stop listening to me. If it's the latter, may you do an emotional check on yourself. I am not cute, and I do not act cute. If you find me an eyesore, i'm afraid that's your own problem then. And last but not least(am i writing a GP essay here?), nothing is certain in this world.

Am I explaining myself here? Oh no... See what I mean? If i have to explain everything point that i say, and bring up more points to prove that, and then explain further on those points, see? Will i ever stop? And I'd already spent four whole hours here. :P

+ n0nG n0nG aG0 +

Aiyo aiyo aiyoyo!!! Why is June soooo loonnngggg???
This is gonna be the LONGEST May ever! And the hottest too! hahaha....

May has 31 days. Why is it that no matter how much i count the days, it'll always stay so far from June?

Come on June! Come quickly!
I've got soooo much to look forward to in you!

First of all, RESULTS!! My verdict is coming out on the FIRST week!! Go Go go!! Ops! No is Come come COME!! Everything is sooo UNcertain now. The verdict shall decide where I would continue from here. That's why! Come on June! Hurry come! From now till then, my life will be in turmoil! Come save me bah!! hahaha...

Then, I've got TWO events coming up, one in the 1st week, the other in the last week! But hopefully I can get the tix!! Oh man! I really hope i can get it! I'm soooo looking forward to it! hahaha... Come on C0mE 0N!

Then I'm going CHINA! AGAIN! MUAHAhahaha!!! ZZzzzz..... Yea... It's China again... BUT LUCKILY it's not Guangzhou! Hahaha.. this time I'm going BEIJING!!

YAY!! I'm going to sing
"........one night in Peking.... wo liu xia xu duo qing......."
>.<

I wanna eat my favourite Beijing Jiao Zi aka dumplings! Jiao zi jiao zi, jiao zi jiao zi!! I wanna eat Peking duck!! Guess what? I'm so old already, but I've never tried Peking duck before!! AARRGGHH!! All the ducks in Beijing BEWARE!! The evil witch is coming to town!! Hwahwahwa... *evil laughs*

And besides eating, I'll be having lotsa visiting to do!
Hello Panda! I'm coming to see you! Finally! To think I came all the way to Guangzhou for you last year yet all I saw was an empty cage! Now you don't hide from me ok?
And I wanna climb the GREAT WALL! Yes! The GREAT wall!! Hahaha... I wanna see if it's thick enough to trap David Copperfield in when he tried to walk through it!
I wanna go to the Forbidden City to find Huan Zhu Ge Ge! Oops! I forgot she moved to Yunnan Dali already... Ok! Then I'll go visit The Emperor, Lao Fo Ye, Ziwei and Er kang instead bah! I'll visit Huan Zhu Ge Ge and Wu A-Ge in Yunnan next time.
And last but not least, the MAIN aim of this trip, is to visit my BROTHER!!
BRO!! Your pesky sis is coming!! Muahahahaha... We all miss you so much we're gonna fly dunno how many miles to disturb you! lalalalalalala....

And one of these days, I'm gonna catch X-MEN III - THE LAST STAND!!!!

YAY YAY!!!!
U say HEY and I say H0! Yi qi zou bah! Yi qi zou bah!!
TE A GE LO YO TE A GE L0!! Yi qi zou bah!
YI QI ZOU BAH!!
W00h0O!!!