+ FAreWe|| 2oo6, wE|c0Me 2oo7 +

Today, something funny happened.

Lunch, at the dining table. (In the background, Elder bro was preparing to go out. Little bro was already out.)
Mum(nonchalantly): Any agenda for today?
Me(chewing on my food): NNahh...
Mum(nonchalantly): How come?
Me(still chewing on my food): Why not? Isn't it good?
Mum(still nonchalantly): Of course it's not good. Means something is wrong. Young people staying at home and not out on the streets?
Me(still chewing...):Mmunch.. mmunchh..

Well, well, well... Anyone who knows my mum will find the episode above funny, just like me. Because my mum will never say this kinda words. And for me, under normal circumstance, i would have replied, "Oh.. But i thought you prefer me to stay at home and dislike me going out?" Of course, this piece of truth would have unleash a long argument and then a cold war between the 2 of us. Truth is, people dislike to hear truths, and she's one of them.

But then, since one of my resolutions for the new year is to reduce as much conflicts as i can in the family(though that's been my resolution for many years), i decided to start practicing it on the last day of this year, and kept my mouth shut. And yea.. I managed to finish my lunch in peace. Cheers!

But I wasn't lying when i said i have no agenda for today. And so here I am, sitting before the computer, finally having it all to myself, munching on hot steaming chwee kuehs and having a slight fever, perhaps this will be how i will be spending the last few hours of 2oo6. Okay I know, at this late hour still eating chwee kuehs even though i had my dinner, it's really sinful. Well, just let me indulge in these sins for today k? I'll start my slimming program next year, in a few hours' time yea? Hehehe..

Year 2oo6.

It has been a good year. When i say good, it doesn't mean only good things happened. You wouldn't call a movie good just because it is a comedy, right? Same here. It's been a long year, where many milestones are set, of endings and beginnings, of losing my way and then finding it again, of learning & growing up and then recovering the innocence underneath, of seeing the bad and the ugly, and finding the beauty within. It's like an exciting rollercoaster ride. So adventurous. So good.

I had started the first 3 months of this year struggling. My final semester in university. It was terribly scary. All the hopes that i can't afford to dash. All the determination and discipline. Well, though still not very diligent as compared to many other fellow classmates, still, i had never been this determined all my life. I had never wanted something so much. And that is, to graduate. And amazingly, of the 8 papers i had, 7 times i had walked out of the hall feeling alright. Without those "I'm DEAD!" feeling. But more of those "There, I've done the BEST I could. The rest is up to the Heavens to see if it wants me dead or alive."This kinda feeling is something i had not felt since my O' Levels. O'levels, not even A'levels. How long had that been?

Hmm.. But that 1 out of eighth time, well, i don't feel like recalling them just yet. It was too scary to even think of it. It almost broke me. Thank God it didn't affect the rest of the papers after that. After the exams, people started looking around for jobs. But I was at a loss. One thing was uncertain, I don't know if i can graduate. Hence I don't dare to look around for a job properly. Yet I was given a choice of an alternative, not in the line of what i studied. Well, I was certainly attracted, and I decided to give it a try.

Financial adviser.

This is something i believe would have worked out for me if i keep on persevering. And I knew it would be REAL HARD work in the initial stages, but the fruits would be sweet. And I bummed around. This period was really a time of self discovery. What I really want? what I really like? what I really am good in? What I really am? Dark times ahead.

But i still decided Finance is not for me, at least for now. I know too little of this world, i know too little of myself, to give real advice and be responsible to people. I am an indecisive person, but I'm not fickleminded. Once I decided on something, I would not change my mind. Not for a long time. So even though I had wasted some big cash, some big time and seen a bit of the bad sides of human, I was still thankful for this period of muddy self discovery. For it was because of this that I realized I could, and should always trust my gut feeling, for it would never lie to me. And it was due to this, that i finally decided on my career path.

Civil engineering.

Yea. Before I went to Beijing, I got my results. I graduated. At Beijing, I finally saw the places i've always wanted to see.

The Great Wall of China. The Forbidden City.

The origin of many stories. So colourful and glamourous, and yet so dark. So much room for imaginations to run. And with a lot of jiao3 zi. ^_^ After I came back, it was time for serious job hunting. And the wonderful part was, all my resumes were sent to engineering jobs. So determined I was right? Hahaha...

Graduation Day.

It was nothing too glamourous. But still, worth a place in my memories. All were accounted for in this entry=> Graduation Day
Anyway, I went for 4 job interviews in total. And my determination in earning a living in th engineering line strengthened with each interview. Till the last interview. I was forced to face the reality, the truth about myself. I am just an incompetent escapist. A bummer who happily tries to get past life just by breathing and laughing everyday.

To achieve, to do constructive things, to get a real life, one must have the real ability in one way or another. And I have none. I was totally shamed, not by others, but by myself. I said at the beginning already. People dislike hearing truths. I am one of them. I can't even face it. But this last interview made me even more determined to do well in this line. And believe it or not, the very next day, this company gave me the job.

Heavens certainly like to make fun of me, making my emotions go on rollercoasters. Is It not scared I'll have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown? Anyway I don't know what made me, but i accepted the job. But this is just the beginning of another rollercoaster ride.

NICE, but very CAPABLE and CLEVER colleagues.

I have learnt to be brave everyday. University life made me. And i'm suddenly thankful for it. The new faces, new environment and everything. I just have to take a deep breathe and suck everything in. And be myself. In this company, just in this short period, I've already been through a depression period.

Never to depend on others.

Because no matter how nice the people are, there will always be one day when you realize that when you need help the most, there will be no one to offer a helping hand. Then again, you have to realize that people do not mean to hurt you in this way. Yet they are never obligated to be there for you every time you are in trouble. That's the way it is. You just have to learn how to survive and dig your way out on your own. This is all part of growing up. Yea, I just grew an inch! =) So in all, I'm still proud to say i've got nice colleagues who are nice to me. At least they do not harm me intentionally. And they made me eat healthy lunches. ^^

This year, I went for my 1st overseas trip without my family! Even though it's with my company for a short retreat where there's still adults, (oops! i forgot i'm also an adult now) still, it marks the beginning of freedom. With this first time, there's going to be many more times coming up, of me going overseas without my parents watching over me! How very nice that feels... Freedom is finally catching up, how ever late it is....

And guess what? Yesterday, my dear roomy got ROM-ed!!! My first friend to get married! It came as a wonderful surprise for all of us when we receive her invitation!
Bless you girl! May you live happily ever after! =D

And I believe, as usual, that I will be receiving more invitations soon, news of my friends getting married one by one! Muahaha! I really can't wait! =P

But wait!
10 more seconds!
9..
8..

Farewell 2oo6! It's been a good year!

3..
2..
1..

Welcome 2oo7!
All the best! ^^

+ And tHey L|vE hApp|Ly eVeR aFteR +

Perhaps no one would expect me to attend a wedding dinner of the sister of a friend all by myself.
But I just did. And boy, I'm really glad i did!

At first, I was so scared the groom and bride cant remember me. I had known the bride through my friend(of course! the bride is her sister!) and we had went swimming and ktv-ing in her house for quite a couple of times. And I had a once or twice encounter with the brother-in-law, aka the groom, during the ktv sessions. When my friend asked if I wanted to go to the wedding although i would be alone, I had readily agreed. I wanted to give my blessings to them on this big day and I wish to witness and be a part of their "happily ever after".

But I admit there was a tiny tinge of regret when i sat down at my allocated table in the midst of strangers, back facing the stage somemore. Why had I insisted coming even though i had expected to land myself in such awkward situation? But then, being the usual me, and of course with nice people sitting by my sides(I was literally sitting between a group of friends!), we soon started small chats. Anyway i began to like my environment.

After which the whole event start, and.... OMG!!! It's so........... NICE!!!! I LOVE WEDDINGS!! People I know always think attending weddings is a chore, because they have to give red packet (Red bomb they call) and sit through 2 hours to rot. But seriously, if it's for such a joyous event,
WHY NOT?!?!?!?? At most I'll save up on a few clothes, a few cds and a few big meals thats all! I don't wanna miss weddings. And definitely not this one!

Especially when the emcee announced that the groom is going up the stage to sing a song!
WOW!
The lady beside me and I simply looked at each other with BIG eyes and exclaimed a big "WOW". This is so unheard of, at least to me. I KNEW he can sing. Remember he joined us in the ktv session? So he sang an oldie "Wo shi zhen de fu chu wo de ai" -> I really gave all my heart.

AIYO! It was NICE!!! Can see he really meant all the words sia... During the last part, he came down the stage and stood beside his bride, crooning to her... Awww... I thought the bride would join him on stage. But nope. She was too busy crying.. W00000ooooo!!! SSSOOOOO ROMANTIC!!!! SO SWEET!!!! I saw that scene and was so touched a tear nearly got squeezed out. Luckily I didn't, else people might think I'm crazy.

After that, they came around.. I don't know if the groom still remembers me. I know he thought i looked familiar, he must have. Hahaha... But I was sure the bride recognise me.. She was smiling hard at me. Probably she was scared I would feel lonely bah. Well, I told her i wasn't.

GUESS WHAT!?!?!? They will be going on honeymoon, in January, for 10+ days, to EUROPE!!!! Paris, Germany and etc!! W00h00!!! Xin Fu Couple!! So good!

I'm sooooooooooooooo glad I went to their wedding and witnessed their blessed and filled-with-happiness faces! I want to bless the newly wed couple again and again and again and again and again.....

May both of you live happily together ever after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+ g00d & bAd +

In the working world, there are two kinds of people:
the good people, and the bad people.

The good people are those people who wants to get things done, and find all proper means to solve things quickly.
The bad people are those people who wants to get things done, but don't want to do the things themselves, and push everything to others.

I am glad that i'm now in the midst of good people. But currently I am green. Through and through. What will happen in the future I won't know. I do not wish to turn out into someone who push all responsibility to others, and then claim credit for it.

I hope to be someone who wants to get things done, and have the ability to get the things done, through my own credit.

Wow. Sounds really far and hard.

Can I achieve that?

+ tHe m|sTy b00k 0f tHe0r|eS +

Since nowadays I'm either too busy or not in any convenience to write, instead of writing long long essays, i shall summarize everything i wanna say and compile them into my misty book of theories. Short n simple n sweet. But still as making no head nor tail. Muahahahaha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New additional Clause:

To Love is easier than to Hate.
To Hate is easier than to Try not to Love.

So why try not to love?
Just ask those one-sided lovers and secret admirers, and you'll know the reason.


So if you don't wanna fall for someone, simply hate them. It's easier, and it always work!
Wahahahaha.... :D

+ 0Ne t|Ny gEsTuRe, a SwEEt m0mEnT +

Sometimes, things happen, for a reason.
Sometimes, things do Not happen, also for a reason.

This is what I have always strongly believed in.

And today proved how very true it is.


Somehow this morning, for an unknown reason, this someone just happened to rammage through her heap of luggage and happened to get hold of a piece of paper. And somehow, from that piece of paper, she happened to register what today had meant to me. And then, for another unknown reason, out of so many people, she only happened to reveal it to this one person who, by saying the two common words which anyone else could have said, would have the greatest impact on me. And even so, this person said it to me under the most unsuspecting, most unanticipated tiny gesture, which doubled the impact on my memory.

Why had all these happened? If one can link all these things that happened to happen, then, it doesn't just happened to happen. They had happened for a reason. And we can only account that reason to Fate. Fate itself is a miracle. What It has in store for us, we won't ever know. It will simply happen.

Just like today in another incident, for no reason, or for some unknown reason, i rejected a few invitations. Given some other day, I would have gladly obliged. But no, not today. No idea why. Then, this another someone came along, and revealed something about a mid-life crisis. And suddenly, I know that reason why i had rejected my own dates.
My time today, was made for this person. And I did. Why? I don't know. I just did.

Surprises are only meant for the innocent, for they alone know how to appreciate the true spirit of it.

I started today without high expectation. And today ended uneventfully. Yet, the amount of sweetness and meaning i gathered in this day, is comparable to the other 22 times of the same special day of my life.

Still a special beautiful day.

+ TrAns|t|0n Per|0d +

Finally, I've spoken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People always say, to cherish your school life as much as possible, because when you start working, you'll start missing your school life.

Hmm... How true is that? We will ask.

Then they will say, you will know once you start working.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so, seven weeks after I signed my name onto that Letter of Appointment, six weeks after I started working, one month and a half after i declared that place as my second home, perhaps I am a little fit enough to comment a bit on the above statement.

Seriously speaking, I do enjoy working.

True, I enjoyed schooling. I enjoyed taking my own sweet time to lessons, and then barging into the class feeling stupid and then straining my neck attentively for any tips on the upcoming quizzes. I enjoyed dozing off during lectures and then suddenly came wide awake when the lecturer announced this big portion of the notes is not included in exams. I enjoyed snuggling up to my friends in my warm pink huge winter coat which i call "Pinkie" and whispering my previous encounters with some cuties and chong chong and dong dong to them while they were furiously taking down notes in lectures. I enjoyed the bazaars and events and free lunches held occasionally in school. I enjoyed eating hot steamy deep-fried fish thin beehoon soup and jiao zi with my buddy during cold rainy days. I enjoyed rushing reports and rushing frantically from one end of the school to another to settle whatever issue that came up.

And I miss it all. But in a way, I do not wish to stay that way forever. Life consists of many stages, and the schooling stage is one of them. I enjoyed it fully, at least for the past six years, during which a large part of my character was developed. A way which i can call is Me. Of course there is still a LOT for me to learn and grow into, but at least Me took a bit of shape during these past few years. I guess the main reason why I totally loved the past six years and find it so memorable, is due to the thing that i most enjoyed doing, just being Me. I was glad I was given a chance to find Me, develop, and eventually given the chance to be a proper Me. I don't know if anyone can understand this whole chunk, but being myself is a simple thing that i didn't have the privilege of doing long time ago.

But as it is, the schooling stage has ended for me. Perhaps in future I might still go back to the books again, but the whole experience will be entirely different. I had cherished and will always love my school days.

Yes, Life moves on. The next stage shall be the working stage i presume. I've moved on, but there will always be a transitional period in between every stage to adapt to the new environment. For the first two weeks into working, I had nightmares almost every night, all of the same ending: I would wake up flustered, and then trying to remember whether my convocation had been all a dream, or am i really in the working world now? Am I waking up to go to school or go to work? I was so afraid to wake up and find myself having to go to school in the morning. I was so afraid I would wake up and find myself still a student and that I still have to go for exams; that would really be horrifying, because i havent touched the notes since a long time ago. I felt i had lost touched with books.

It would be contradicting to say i enjoyed my schoollife, and yet still be terrified at the thought of going back to school as a student. Indeed, this is not unusual at all, considering the immense stress I was under especially for the final year in Uni. I love the rushing for deadlines, I love the the cramming of information in a foot thick of notes into my brain during the night just before the exams. But I was afraid of the end results. I was afraid I could not get the required grades to pass, I was afraid I could not achieve the goals i had set for myself. I have to say, a lot had to be accredited to Luck. And therefore, having been lucky thus far, I hope not to go through it again. Once is enough. Twice is too much. Because my motto in Uni was "Luck never come twice", and true it was.

Perhaps that was another reason why till now, i enjoyed working. I am freed from that kind of stress, and I am more recovered to myself again. Of course, another contradiction. I said I had been Me for the past few years, so how can I be more recovered? Well, to be more precise, the very STRESSED Me showed up for the final year. I frowned more and stayed away from socializing because I prefer to spend more of my time on notes and my close friends rather than spending the time to get to know more friends all over again.

And now, being freed from that, I am more Me again. And to my own surprise, I'm totally alright with dining with five persons, one of whom I had only known for one month, and the rest totally strangers. This is something which I had not done/experienced since 2 years ago. This is like, SOooo ME lo! hahaha.... Eh, but still, please don't go around dragging me to meet new friends. Remember, once is enough, twice is too much! Hahaha... Aww.. Whatever.


Anyway, the comparison between schooling and working shall be done in due course, not now. But it is now time to sit down and address a question properly. A question which everyone will ask themselves at some point of time, and a question which i would always ask myself everytime I enter a new environment.

Do I remain Myself, and show everyone who I am?
Or do I hold back a bit of myself, and let the droning of the environment conform me?

Something struck me suddenly yesterday, and I felt I had to address this question, and solve it fast. I enjoyed schooling, and I enjoyed working. But there is something very different between both that is very disturbing. And I finally came to this conclusion.
In school, i can be choose my friends, and show my true self. At work, i observed that it seems wrong to show your Self. To say it simply, in school, everyone is free to show their true selves to each other and anyone they want. At work, everyone seems to be holding back a lot of themselves. How do I justify my words? I don't know. This is just a feeling and intuition that I got.

Of course, one may say I'm rushing, that it takes time for people to warm up to others, that because i only know them for six weeks, there's no need to be close friends too fast. But what I observed is not how their attitude towards me, but more of their attitude towards each other in general, me excluded. I can understand if people hold back themselves from me, but from each other? Who have worked together for at least half a year or one? Is this really their character or not?

To put it even simplier, it feels as if everyone is just Colleagues to each other. Nothing more.

Is that really how it should be? That there is no thing such as Friends in a working place? To spend ten hours each day together and still not reaching to a stage called Friends? Isn't it something pathetic?

Then it goes down to that question. Do I still insist being myself, and then increase the risk of being 'harmed' in the future? Or do I start my defense now?

That's pretty silly, because my policy has always been that, that more you defend, the more people want to attack you. That's probably one reason why till now, I havent really been attacked, because everyone already knows how stupid I am, whyfore should they attack me? Waste resources only. Muahaha....

But then, now this concerns my livelihood. What to do? What should I do?

Hmm...

I think by the end of this entry, I would have come up with a solution. And perhaps I already did. But I shan't say. Anyone who is patient enough to read every word till this point, would have guessed my solution.

But whatever, I think I will still bid my time to Grow Up, in the sense of behaving n thinking like what most working people do.

After all old habits die hard.

For example, I can never learn to process my thoughts before shooting them outta my mouth and end up getting into trouble.
Even if i do process my thoughts, I can never learn to sift what to say and what not to say, and end up saying the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong person.

And I can never learn to make a right decision within a time as short as finish writing one blog entry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Munchie! ^^

+ HARASSED +

KAOZ!!
HOW CAN ANYONE MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS IN THEIR OWN HOMES EVER GET HARASSED!?!?!?!?!??!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS THAT CALLED.
MENTAL HARASSMENT? PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT?

WHATEVER!! I'M SO SO SO SO SO BLOODY PISSED AND FURIOUS NOW!!

ALL IDIOTIC MEN OUT THERE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO BUT HARASS PEOPLE IN THEIR OWN HOMES ALL DAY LONG
GO
DIE
NOW!!!

+ o0pS! +

00ps! I did it again.

Sighs.... Yes, I'm beaten down flat out AGAIN! And i definitely did not ask for it.

How did it happen? Why pick on just me?
Thanks man, for showing me how stupid I am. Does it please you that much?

I know I'm dumb. I know I'm slow.
But I'm trying.
Hard.
I really am!

At least, give me some time to prove that I can do it.
I really want to do it.
And do it well.

I know I'm stupid, but come on, keep the challenges coming.
I hope you keep it coming on and on.




I know I will take a long time.
But I hope, even if it's Infinity later, that there will be a day when I can finally take it up and beat it flat down.

Then you can laugh all you want.

+ sAy +

'Say, one day you wake up, and you realize that all that had happened in the past 20 years is actually just a dream. What would you do?'

This was just a passing notion I had one day, and I thought of asking my friends about it.
And it was a wonder to see the interesting initial responses by each individual, due to different perspectives, and even different intepretations.


"See if i like what i was then, or maybe will do what i really should have since i can learn from that dream....."

"Carry on with the current life after the dream. Reality is after all reality for us to continue living......"

"I would be in a total loss and feel helpless. I will try to find out what in reality happened to the 20 years when i am asleep........"

"Maybe at that very very moment when i know that, i may just cry. Mixed emotions. If those happy things that happened in 20 years are just a dream, isn't it rather sad.....?"

"I will feel lost. But then life goes on... who knows... maybe this reality you woke up to is just another dream again......"

"I will do nothing. It's just a dream. So just carry on living as per normal......"

"You mean i'll be asleep for so long......?"

"I think i'll be quite sad and lost. But after that i'll still live as normal, and keep the dream as memory......"


Some answers led me to lots of laughter, while some set me thinking. But actually none of these answers are crappy or whatever. In fact i find all of them good answers. Because my friends really thought through this question, and gave me answers that came from the very bottom of their hearts, which i appreciate a lot. Because some people might dismiss me as being crazy or don't even bother to entertain me. But these friends actually took the trouble to give it some thought, and actually tell me what they think. And some even went into deep discussions about it with me! Really thank you!

For those who know me well, they will know that every now and then, i'll pop questions that are quite neither here nor there(of course, the ideas usually pop into my head from out of nowhere too, thats why the questions are neither here nor there |pun intended| haha). Which is also why there will often be many ways to intepret those questions.
For those who just got to know me, well, there's more questions like this to come! Hahaha...

Anyway, for me, at that very moment, I will feel lost too. But after that, I will probably feel relieved. After all, it's a 20 years worth of lessons to learn, and decisions to be made. All the 'lessons learnt' and 'decisions made' in the dream, shall allow me more wisdom in living my current life. All the sadness in the dream will help me grow, and all the happiness in that dream, shall always be part of my memory. It's like having a second chance at Life again, even if it's 2 totally different lives.

One of these friends commented that it was as if he had always been living in a dream. Everything seems unreal. But to me, there seems no difference. Life is but a dream. So long as you live the way you want it to be, it doesn't really matter if you are living in a dream or reality, isn't it?

Sometimes, it's really a wonder how Fate works. Many a times, in the most unexpected situation, the most unexpected will happen. So much so that the unexpected become expected
(probability expectation: UNExpected multiply by UNExpected = Expected. UN is cancelled out).

Perhaps it's really true how the saying goes: In every dire situation, an opportunity arise.
It is only up to Fate if that opportunity is meant for you to grab, or it is meant to simply fall into your hands.

But then again, even when Fate has it that the opportunity falls freely into your hands, it is still up to you to hold it properly and not lose it. So in the end, it is still up to you to use it WISELY.

And therefore it is up to me. Even when I am very scared. Really very scared. But I can not, will not and shall not give up.

G00d luck to me!!

PS: This entry contains more than one topic, so apology if the words don't link.
PPS: Any feedback to the above question in the very 1st line is very welcome.
Disclaimer: The equation of "probablity expectation" is not taken from any printed textbooks and is wholly based on my own theory, aka CRAP lah!

+ F0rMa| wEaR +

Why do I dislike wearing formal wear?

Firstly, because I have to stand and sit up straight!
Secondly, because the cloth material for office wear is too "unbreatheable"! Long sleeves, not breatheable, plus the hot weather makes me sweat till......
C00l on the outside, but 'raining' in the inside!
Thirdly, i have to wear court shoes with formal wear. Yes, they give me BLISTERS!!! Ouch!
Fourthly, they are expensive. Sobz..

But lastly, and most importantly, they are a facade to me. The main reason why I am not comfortable in formal wear is because whenever i put on formal wear, i give most people a wrong impression of confidence, maturity and wisdom, which is particularly useful during presentations. (But of course, once I speak, the facade will be shattered)

The fact that I write the above down is precisely because i am not trying to brag!
Because in reality, I am not confident. I am not mature. And I am definitely not wise!

And I certainly do not like people to think that I am a clever and confident girl only to tell me a few months later after knowing me that how much mistaken they were! (Even though they do not mean it to be a sneer)

I just want to say, how I look or whatever impression I give whilst wearing formally and behaving formally is totally unintentional. I have always tried to show the true me via my actions, words, behaviours. How I look, is totally beyond my control. Because i can't see myself.

Perhaps the day when i am able to say that i am comfortable wearing formal wear, when I am comfortable giving people the right impression of confidence and maturity, will be the day when I am truly, inside and out, a confident person. =)

+ tW0 s0re FeeT, l0ts 0f w|zArDs, aNd a bUnCh 0f f|0weRs +

Actually, today isn't a very special day for me. Even though this is supposed to be a mark, a proof of what i had sow all these years. But it isn't very anticipated. After all, it started with a rainy weather.

Somehow, i found it rather hard to smile, when everyone around was smiling. I just had a neutral feeling about everything. And on top of it, i felt lost. Everyone was busy grabbing friends for photo shooting.
I'll stand around and try not to get into people's way.

I didn't want to go in too early, because i didn't want to miss any friends whom i know might come along. Luckily, i still managed to take photos with the few friends whom i wanted to take. My faithful friend tuck a few strands of my messy fringe under the mortar board and said,"
Smile! You should smile widely!" I simply told her," I feel very lost."

So she accompanied me in, looked for the place to take attendance, looked for my seat number, waited for me to collect my attendance card. And after joining up with a few other friends and engaging in a few more and merrier phototaking sessions, she and another friend suddenly
presented me with a bunch of flowers!! Oh! That was really sweet and thoughtful of them! My very FIRST bunch of FRESH flowers in my WHOLE life!!

"So what?" my mother laughed. "Your first bunch is not even from a guy!"

So? Who cares?

So long as it's from someone who really cares! I'm more than glad to receive it from my good old girlfriends! Yes, much more than glad. I'm overjoyed and grateful! Thank you lots girls!
You don't know just HOW MUCH those flowers brightened up my day! I really love it!

Then I went in, get seated, and simply waited for the ceremony to begin. And begin, it did.

Suddenly, all my professors whom i had seen and never seen before marched smartly in. All dressed in cute, artistic and colouful robes.
There was one lady who "glided" up the stage before the others, her robe billowing behind her.

Suddenly, I saw Hogwarts.

If one took no notice of what we were wearing on our head, I saw all of us sitting there, dressed in wizarding robes. It was like at the end of the year in Hogwarts, when everyone came together to be addressed by the teachers. There, I saw Professor Dumbledore, in his dark purple robes, taking his seat right in the middle. Then one professor, i can't remember his name, he was dressed in blue. He had a meek expression, and he immediately reminded me of Professor Quirrell.

Where is Professor Snape, I wondered. Scanning the stage to look for one resembling him. But too bad, no one looked as sinister as him. Therefore i concluded he had returned to Lord Voldemort's side to continue his spying.
But all in all, I saw lots of wizards, and us, lots of young witches and wizards! It was so CUTE! It was a dream come true! With my obsession in Harry Potter fantasy, and suddenly i find myself immensed in it! Wearing oversized robes that billow behind me if i walked faster! Hahaha.. Okay, call it self-entertainment in the midst of boredom. Though it really worked. Never underestimate the power of Imagination!

After the ceremony, hahhaa.. the best part. Something which my friends and I had a habit to do during our school days. BUFFET!!! NICE f00d!!! G00d food!!! FOOD!!! Hahaha... That's right! Dinner provided by our school. That's what they are best in anyway.. hehez.. And all the going around and grabbing and hugging friends and professors to have a chat with them one final time. This time, I really smiled and laughed heartily.

But sadly enough, though there were many tables, there was no chair. Imagine me trotting around in a 3 inches high heels the whole night. What do you get? Yes. A pair of sore feet! Diaozzzz......

In the cab home, my parents were complaining about the fact that during the ceremony, the looooong ceremony, when the only short moment when I was to walk on stage, and they were about to take a picture of me, two marshallers stood RIGHT in front of the camera! For the whole 2 hours, NO one in front did as much as MOVED. But the moment my name was called, the two marshallers came and stood right in front. My dad tried to shoo them away, but to no avail. Finally they walked away, just at the moment i was about to step OFF the stage.

Hahaha.. Is this coincidence? No. I call it Fate. It was fated that I will not have a picture of my "triumph", shaking hands with the Dean(Dumberdore). But it's alright. In the end I was the one consoling my parents. Hahahaha... But really, I did not feel any resentment or disappointment. As i already said earlier today, i felt very neutral. Today is not a special day. So what does it matter if i had a photo of me shaking the Dean's hand?

But just before the cab reached my home, i made a conclusion of today.

I had done what i had expected to and wanted to do. I had taken photos with the friends and professors I had wanted to take with. I had seen some friends whom I believed will be the last time I'm seeing them. Except for one thing. Remember i once had an entry during the exams times, when my graduation was very uncertain. http://starlightdream.blogspot.com/2006/04/sprt.html

I once said I hoped to take that photo with him, so that I can make a perfect ending for the four years of Uni life. Now, I had managed to graduate on time. With him. But still, I did not manage to have that photo. Perhaps it was really meant to be, or meant not to be.
Nevertheless, I am content. Sometimes, it is the imperfection that makes things perfect.

Because after all, nothing in this world is perfect.

And what's more, I have already received 3 bonuses in one day today.

Two sore feet, lots of wizards, and a bunch of flowers!
^^

+ pSyCho|oG|ca| wARfArE +

Men. Beware.
You may win in physical Combat.
But psychological wise, alas! My pity.
Not a combat of cunningness.
Not a combat of mind's strength.
Yet, a combat of both.
Women win. They do.

Men. Beware.
The Master.
the greatest of all.
Is yet to come!

+ nEw a|M +

Okay I admit. I'm a n00b with photoshop, html, and anything with computers... Therefore, after hours of fiddling with photoshop, I gave up and revert back to what I'm better (not best) at.
Muahhahaa.... Shhhh......
But honestly, I did the banner by myself(not using photoshop lah!). Nice? Heez, I know primary school kids can do this too.. But so? I already said I'm a n00b! :P

Two months ago, my short term aim in Life was to graduate this year. Granted. ^^
Today, I found a new short term aim.
I wouldn't say it is something very good. But then again, it will not be that bad either. And when that happens, something shall disappear from this Earth....

Something.... or someone....

Eeek... sounds rather creepy hoh? Well, then don't talk about it anymore... It hasn't come true yet anyway! :D

Yup! This collage consists of a few of my favourite photos from my recent trip to Beijing. As I've said, I'm gonna leave my footprints round the globe! Therefore I've decided, the layout will permanently stay something like this. And I will change the banner whenever I've stepped foot on another place...

Hopefully s00n! ^^

+ tHe p0wEr oF fAm|LY t|eS +

This is the first time i felt the warmth of relatives relationships.
Very touched.
Yesterday, we made a trip down to my cousin, Cousin Zhen's house to borrow her convo robes. When we reached, only my aunt and uncle were at home, because my cousin was off to see the doctor. While waiting, we did some catching up.

After a while, Cousin Hiang, the elder brother of Cousin Zhen, reached home. We chatted for a bit.. Upon hearing that i'm still looking for a job, he immediately told me to ask Zhen later if her company has any vacancy since he refered to her job as an "easy job with high pay".
That was really nice of him to suggest that. Really thank him for his enthusiasm, though i wasn't too sure since my specialization was totally different from Cousin Zhen's field.

Then my Aunt added on, asking me to go to Waterloo Street more often to pray for blessings and for my job-searching to go more smoothly, and some other small tips on job-searching. So sweet of her for giving me the advices. People may say all these are superstitions or common knowledges, but it's really these small little gestures that counts! Really thank her for it! And probably if i have the chance, i'll put her advices to practice! hahaha...

Then Cousin Zhen reached home. We chatted a bit, and when she knew that I'm still jobless, without any cue from Cousin Hiang, she straight away asked me to send her my resume to her to forward to her company's HR, though she also wasn't sure if i even stand a chance because of the different nature in our specializations. But nevertheless she still asked me to try.

SO NICE OF HER!!!! She is so helpful! Her family are so helpful!!

Now i suddenly feel the wonders of family ties... the thickness of blood relations... Even though we may just see each other maybe for twice or thrice a year, whenever someone needs help, our family, including all out relatives, will always rush to help! So touched!

I know for some people, towards family or friends, they will only know that you are in this situation, and knowing is enough. They will just sit by and see how you get out of it. By yourself. Or some will even avoid you, fearing that you would approach them for help. Or some will just say they will help, but in reality, drag and drag and then hope you forget about it.

But for my cousins and their family, no, they did not. They approached me to help me instead! They are so helpful and warm and kind! May they be blessed!

Anyway, today, now, i just sent Cousin Zhen my resume. It was after office hours, so I thought maybe she will read my mail tomorrow then see what she can do to help me. And off I went for dinner.

Ten minutes later, I checked my mailbox. I received an email from her.
It was a bcc-ed copy of an email she sent to her HR, to recommend me.

See? Instant response. The power of family ties.
A kind heart is behind it all.

+ k|dS AgA|n +

How would you define a good kid and a bad kid?
This is a question which i finally come up with after gathering many many instances from people whom i believed that, once this question is solved, will benefit many people.

Sidetrack just for your infomation:
Like for a scientist, most of the time, he'll have an idea popped up, a theory formed, THEN he'll do extensive research and experiment to prove his theory. Seldom will there be a theory formed out of observing many failed experiments, though that's how aeroplanes came out. The theory of Aerodynamics are formed out of the many experiments by the Wright Brothers.

Anyway, back to the kids topic. How would one define a good kid?

From the societal level, in the past, the most an average parent would hope from his kid to be good, was for him not to get into bad company, not getting into unnecessary fights, not stealing/robbing/taking drugs, and if he would finish his education properly and find a job with a stable income and start a family, that would be a bonus.

Now, from my observations, a kid who merely refuses to finish his homework after school, and/or watch tv all day, and/or rebut his parents' nags or lecturings, but otherwise is a well-behaved kid in school and/or in public, is labelled a very naughty, or, "Bad kid".

Is that really so? Just because a kid doesn't follow "the rules", they are bad?

How about another kid who is very filial, do all his homework, helps out with housework, listens and behaves himself before his parents, never letting them worry for him, but in school, he cheats during tests, bully others, get into fights, schemed against others, being rude to anyone and not behaving properly in public.

How is he labelled then?

Reducing the scope to family level of nowadays, further simplifying, a kid who is well-behaved in school, in public, but is rude only to his parents and doesn't, and never want to do as they told him to? Vice versa, a filial and well-behaved kid in front of his parents, but create havoc once out of his house, out of his parents' sight?

In another case, a kid follows every rule there is in the legal law, every rule written in the school booklet, do everything he is told, but he does everything half-heartedly, thus most of the times, things don't turn out right. So is he still a good kid?

Do not think that the above descriptions are purely examples out of a concept. Nope. There are real-life people whom I know are like these, maybe even including myself.

I know, in the bible and many other religious teachings, cultural teachings, there will always be a number rule to being a good kid: Being filial, not letting your parents worry for you.

Now on a personal level, do you think you are a good kid?
Getting good grades, doing everything they told you to, staying at home everyday so that they will not worry about you creating havoc or turning bad outside, not talking back to them? Is that all? Is that really all it takes to be labelled "Good kid"?

So does it include showing concern for them, sharing their problems or happiness, bonding?

I had a friend who once told me, he did everything he was expected to do as an obedient kid. He stayed at home everyday, had all his meals at home, run errands for his parents and keep his own room. But he felt he was a bad son, because he hardly ever communicate with his parents. Instead, he felt his brother was a better son. His brother went out almost every day till very late night. But at times he would accompany his parents overseas or shopping.
So who is the good kid, and who is the bad kid?

Another friend, he always had good grades, and at times when his parents had any doubts or need any troubleshooting, they would consult him and he would always share his views and good advice. But otherwise he would either play computer games whole day, or go out with his friends, making his parents worry for his health many a times. But overall he had a better relationship with his parents than his sister had. His sister always stayed at home and helped with the housework and the errands. But she always quarrelled with her parents, upsetting them a lot.
So now, in this case, who is the good kid, and who is the bad kid?

Out of all the instances given above, what can you conclude? Do not tell me that to be a good kid, just do all the good conducts mentioned and throwing away all vices. Because no one is perfect. Though I've known one to be like that, but generally, no one can achieve that.

So can anyone tell me, what is the definition of being a good kid and a bad kid?

+ FaCt oR CrAp? +

Natural body fats are said to keep bodies warm. So why are some fat people still afraid of the cold, or feels cold easily?

Conclusion: Two reasons why people feel cold.
Either they have no fats, or they have big pores.
:D

+ sTaRs c0uNt|inG +

On the plane, midnight,
Mrs Li woke up from her sleep and saw her son who was sitting by the window, still awake.

Mrs Li: Son, why aren't you sleeping yet? We have a long day ahead.
Son: Mum, I'm counting stars.
Mrs Li (leans over and peers out of the window for 1 second) : So dark, can see meh? Go and sleep now lah. Tomorrow when the sun is out then count lo....
Son: .............

+ hEaRt bRoKeN +

I look beyond the window. Dark clouds fill the sky. Wind, from all directions. Very strong wind. Cold. Icy cold. Something... bad... is going to happen, yet i know, elsewhere out of this place, another person will be enjoying great fine weather. This... bad... something, will only happen to me, and me only.

Now I remember. When one gains something, he loses another. Falls only on me. How can I forget that? I can never have the best of both worlds.

Pushing against the door, I step out. Rain has fallen, but I do not feel droplets. As if a dam somewhere has broken, a huge wave of water sweeps upon me, drenching and chilling me right to the deepest of my bones, and soul. And I hear cracking sounds. Many. Soft and Loud. And suddenly, loud chinking sounds, as if a basket of beads has dropped, the beads bouncing and rolling on the floor.

Trembling, I wait, as the sound of the last bead bounces to a stop... Tut, tut, tut....... In the midst of the chills, something warms my face. And with the hot tears flowing down my cheeks, I look at the floor. Nothing is there, yet, vaguely, it is as if i see, millions of tiny pieces of..... a heart. Yes, all these tiny pieces seem to make up a heart. But whose heart?

Involuntarily, my hand places itself to the left of my chest.... a sour feeling, a little achy, and then nothing. It is a void. Then I realise, spewed all over the floor of my mind, is millions of bits and pieces, of my heart.

A broken, a shattered heart.

+ ReSuRReCt|oN +

Ever since i was crashed by Reinforced Concrete, I've been hovering around, as my body lies in the intensive care unit, fighting for breaths. And i was waiting for the Judgement Day to see if I can return to my body. Unfortunately, no one knows when that Day is.

Until yesterday, while i was floating above a dog trying to make it see me, i heard a voice
called, "Hey gal!"

I turned, and many other souls, male and female, turned too.

"No, not you all! YOU!" my friend pointed his finger right at me.

"Yea guy! Wassup?" I inquired, mindful of the others, whose eyes remained fixed on him anyway, eager to hear what he wished to say to me.

"What are you still doing here? The Scroll has come! Hurry up and let's find out!"

THE SCROLL! The scroll that decides our Fate!

"Really!? It's the~~"
*WHOOSH!* Suddenly a strong gush of wind flew past and i was caught in the turbulences and eddy currents with my hair all over my face. When i finally untangled all my hair and looked properly around, everyone was gone! All of them must have dashed to the arena for the judgement of the Scroll, and in the process dragging my friend along! P00r guy... He told me before he wished to be the last to know his judgement.

Well, since everyone was fighting to be the first to know, the arena must be very congested. I might as well take my time. It's either I'm returning to the mortal world, or going up as angel, or going down as...... (taboo). Therefore knowing I won't remain in this World of Uncertainty, I visited Moaning Mytle in Hogwarts, then the Black Mountains for Xiao Qian, and bade farewell to Casper, before being on my way.

As soon as it seemed, it was my turn. As I knelt before the Scroll, I was so nervous i was almost knocked out cold! A voice boomed, " ABRAACCCABRRRBBACABRACRACABARA...... As it is, I declared you..... LIVE!"

OMG!! What did I hear?? What did it say?? The world suddenly spinned and all the memories of my life flashed past me and.... AND.....

"Why do you take SO LONG? I've been waiting for ages!"

Huh? I opened my eyes and saw my friend who had informed me of the arrival of the Scroll, folding his arms and looking very pissed. "Come ON! Don't fall into a daze! Let's go seek out the others!" And he started walking, dragging me along.

"Are... are you an angel now or am I a.....?" I still can't believe my eyes.

"What? You are a HUMAN! We've all been resurrected! GET IT!?"


OH! WE've ALL BEEN RESURRECTED!!! GOODNESS! THANK YOU HEAVENS and all of you who had blessed me and all of us with LUCK! I CAN'T GIVE THANKS ENOUGH!! This is so amazing!!

I'M FINALLY BACK ALIVE!!!!! WE WON THE WAR!!!! W00H00!!! :D

+ dEsT|nY +

The choices we make, mark our Destiny.

Long ago, when Harry Potter first came to Hogwarts, the Sorting Hat told him, given his abilities, he would have done well in Slytherin as much as he would in Gryffindor. Yet Harry kept asking the Hat to put him in Gryffindor. As such, he was granted his wish.

However, along the way, he was quite bothered by it. Did he ever make the wrong choice? Was the Sorting Hat right, that he really should belong to Slytherin? Especially when he saw in himself some qualities that were in Lord Voldemort, who was in Slytherin?

But in one instance, Professor Dumbledore asked him, "Why then, did the Sorting Hat place you in Gryffindor?"

"Because I asked it to."

"Exactly! It is not out of ability that shows what we truly are, it is our choices."

There you are. Harry could have done well, in different ways, both in Slytherin or in Gryffindor. But he CHOSE Gryffindor. And that made the difference. And that made his Destiny. And that, made him a TRUE Gryffindor.


There is another drama that i caught recently. This man, he was a promising young doctor, excellent in his medical skills. In his greed for wealth, he became a businessman. And surprisingly, he was a very successful one. Now, he had the brains for being a doctor, and he had the flair for being a businessman too. He could do well in either. Who would tell him what is his destiny to be, a doctor, or a businessman?

His destiny lies in his choice. If he chose to be a doctor, he will be a famous doctor. If he chose to be a businessman, he will make a successful businessman. And that would be his destiny.

One week ago, like Harry, I also faced 2 paths out of my abilities, the paths that would lead me to my Destiny. And, many odds against me, I'd made my choice. Was it a wrong one or not, it no longer matters. What matters is, what will go on from here?

Everything that depends on Destiny, Fate, Me.

+ f00d? +

Does this look nice??
Can anyone guess what's inside??


Disclaimer: No prizes for correct guesses.






and what is this??

+ tHe iNf|uEnCe oF Da Chang Jin +

One afternoon, in the kitchen, Mum prepares for dinner,

me: Ma, do you think the actress in Da Chang Jin are really so powerful that they can chop their food so fast or do your think it's actually other people's hands?
the kid(chorus): Ooo Na Ra Oooooooo Na Ra....
me(joins in the chorus): A Du Ooo Laaa....
mum: Of course it's for real. All of them undergo training before they start shooting this film, or that's the way how they really cook lo...
me: oh.. so can you chop fast fast too?
mum: Like this lo... (chops very fast)
me & the kid(in high pitch): Ooo Na Ra Oooooooo Na Ra A Du Ooo Laaa....
me: Shall we visit Korea next time? Then we can eat real Korean food!
mum: Can... But seriously i don't think their food will taste nice to me. Everything is stirred up till so.... Nice meh?
me: Hmmm.... Ooo Na Ra....
the kid joins in: Oooooooo Na Ra A Du Ooo Laaa.... Ka Ta Ra Kaaa Ta Ra A Ku Da Raaaa....
me & the kid(in super high pitch): A Na Ni Aaaaaa~~
dad(suddenly out of nowhere): Oei! People wanna sleep lah! So inconsiderate! And you always complain that people are too noisy when you sleep!
me & the kid & mum: Oops!
mum: Carry on sleeping now lo...
dad: Can't sleep already lah.
And he turns on the tv and loud volume,
TV(advertisement): OOO NA RA OOOOoooo NA RA A DU OOO LAAAaaa....

dad: -.-!!

+ tHe mAssACrE oF tHe c0cKr0aCheS +

I noticed a disturbing sign just now. Out of nowhere, a big cockroach appeared in my living room, and it walked one whole round before my father sprayed at it with a can of pesticide. Initially i thought pesticide is for plants and won't be as effective as insecticide. But nope! seems like it's really effective! hahaha...

Then half an hour later, i went downstairs to run an errand. And guess what?! The moment the lift door opened at the first storey, before i can even step out of the lift, i saw DEAD COCKROACHES lying all around the lobby! Not one, not two, BUT ELEVEN!!!! Yea i counted them coz i was too overwhelmed. Almost got a shock. I'm beginning to sense something wrong... Then i walked on through many void decks to get my things done. And what do i see? More dead cockroaches! And they are mostly concentrated at the lift lobbies, though there are a few spewed across the open spaces in the void decks. When i passed by a household, those kind that is on the 1st storey type, i smell insecticide. It could mean that, like mine, a cockroach had just visited them. As i passed the drains, a few cockroaches are moving around too. Right in broad daylight! This errand trip, I walked a longer than usual route, because i have to keep going around in circles to avoid dead n alive cockroaches. Imagine seeing more than 20 cockroaches, dead and alive, in one go? Ultra disgusted.

What happened? Why are so many cockroaches out in the streets in broad daylight? And most of them are dead? Are the nests suddenly wiped out? But that would not be an easy feat, because it would mean wiping out nests at different locations at the same time! And what caused the wipe out? Poisoning? Disease? the professional Insect-killer? What day is this in the lunar calendar? Is today a special day? Is it the weather? I heard that when many insects are killed together in one day, some supernatural forces are involved? Or is a great catastrophe going to happen? Earthquake? Flood?
What?

+ hE|p|Ess +

Sometimes i really wonder... Now I know... I'm actually such a senseless, or nonsensical, bitch in the eyes of many. I'm a saneless, act cute buay cute, brainless old hag trying to behave or look juvenile, who always complains about everything around me and criticise anything i can get my eyes on and whines about all the stuffs that gets on my nerves.. and not to forget, an extremely easily irritable emotionally unbalanced female who would not think on both sides of things and can only see things narrowly from that tiny one point of view.

Sigh... When i voice my opinions on some subjects, obviously i know what's the big picture and what is and what is not. Obviously i know the whole world is not like how i said. Of course i know what i've pointed out is only the minority. Does one expect me to rattle out a whole GP essay before I point out that small insignificant point of mine? Am i expected to repeat that essay every time i want to add on to my tiny point? It's precisely everyone knows about the general view and the facts, that's why i intentionally omit it out when i voice out a small point against it. Why is it called a general view? Because everyone knows it! Since everyone knows it, why should i repeat it? But somehow, people will start thinking that I'm so prejudiced that i fail to look at the big picture and that i generalized the whole population by my words, by that small point because i thought it to be so logical. Sigh... Must i repeat myself? Obviously i know there are still many different kinds of view on the same subject. Obviously i know there are still many kinds of people better than those i've pointed out. Obviously i know what i've pointed out is only a small tiny instance which the sampling rate may not even be significant enough to make any conclusion. Obviously i know it can even be an isolated and random incident on its own. Why can't people even trust my sanity, my judging, or even thinking abilities? Am i really that brainless to them?

Indeed, i may appear insane at times. I may sound babbling nonsenses at times. Well, I admit. Sometimes i really hope i can be insane and babble gibberish. At least I need not face all these craps. But the truth is, I'm still as sane as ever. If only someone will really sit down and listen properly to what i say. But then, it's another funny thing. Because some actually find me depressing. Sometimes, how a person interpret something actually is dependent on the listener himself. He may hear or read neutral words, but he can interpret them as depressing, or happy, according to his own mood at that point of time. I admit i'm at bit more expressive in my words at times, but most of the words i chose are neutral. I may look or sound explosive, but why can't i lose myself at times? Why should I always be level-headed?(even though at the end of everything i'll still be the level-headed me) But can't I even express myself, or even get overwhelmed by emotions sometimes? I'm not a saint, nor a public figure. I'm just a nobody. I am just me. Even if I drop dead in the busy streets of Orchard Road, no one will notice or even miss me. I can look or sound one emotion, but i'm actually feeling another emotion, which can be totally opposite. This is my way of expressing myself. If people can't understand, i can understand that. So long as i understand myself, it's ok. Because this is all that matters. But if people interpret me as depressing after me letting them on my innermost thoughts, then I'll rather not do that. At least i won't make other people sad, even when i'm not being sad to begin with. People can choose not to listen.

When I'm happy, I'm happy. And I do have my own ways to show that. And I do not do that deliberately. It's just an innate thing. Even i myself may not realise it. To think people, even those very close to me, say i'm acting cute. I know i look older than my age. i know i'm very big sized. i know i should act mature. But does that mean i should control everything i do, everything i am, everything i feel? If so, what's the difference of this from acting cute? Both are putting a facade. For what purpose? I empathsize again; I am not cute, and I do not act cute. Cute is an objective term. Some things that i do, to you it may seem acting cute. If that's the case, then all i can say is, I'm sorry, there's nothing i can do about it. What if i behave in a way which to you is natural and not acting cute, but to some other people I am acting cute? Do i have to change my behaviour again to suit their terms? Or do i behave differently in front of different groups of people so that the groups of people can accept me? That's such a chore. It is not worth it to waste life like this. People, get alive please. Stop living for the sake of living. Stop living for others. Of course, some people are going to say, "Then how? So others are going to suffer on the expenses of you being yourself? By being yourself, you won't spare a thought for others?"

See what i mean? Why can't people trust me? Obviously i do not mean it that way. I trust humanity. I trust that everyone has their own minds that do not need to go to extremities. That's why I do not bother to explain myself. But seems like reality is sometimes more disappointing that you think. In this case, when i say "get alive", i trust that all humans with brains, or even a heart, are able to figure out how to balance the situation of being themselves, but not at the expenses of others. They can start living for themselves, but in a better way where they can express themselves, yet others are able to accept them in spite of their differences.

Pathetic. Do I need to explain myself like this that includes many sides of view every time i wish to make a point? Say, on a blog, I do not have that much of time to sit down and write out a whole GP essay. For your information, I used to take 2 hours to complete a GP essay. Here, I'm typing, meaning i have to use a longer time. How many 2hrs can i afford just to make a point? Even listing out all possible points of view is time consuming. That's why i usually go straight to the point. Say, on msn, it's even worse, because conversation is continuous. the opposite party will not have the patience to wait for you to present so many viewpoints on a case just because you wish to make a point. that's why i always go straight to the point. If you seriously would like to hear my views on some subjects, the best is of course the conventional way. Give me a dial or meet up over a cup of coffee. We can make time for each other and really sit down and discuss upon everything under the sun. Then perhaps, we'll list down all points to all the cases we discussed, and preferably made a clean conclusion to all cases to the benefit of mankind, that everything is dependent on the situation and there is no right or wrong in anything. And isn't this always the case? That's why I do not wish to repeat that conclusion everytime. Because i assume everyone knows that there is nothing certain in life. Everything is dependent. Even Time is relative.

Perhaps the best way for me now is to be a person totally void of all emotions, expressions. Even if i'm bursting with anger, I should still keep my cool else people will start thinking i'm emotionally unbalanced. Even if I am happy, I should not laugh lest people think I'm acting cute. Even if i have some thoughts about stuffs in general, I should still keep them to myself, because some people will find it depressing. I should do everything everyone orders me to, and say and think the way everyone does. It's best if I, and everyone else, can keep their opinions to themselves, unless you want to agree on what the others say. Because no one will appreciate your views anyway. You will only be a pest.

Ah-ha! thought you've caught me don't ya? I'm being extreme over here now. To summarise, I state again. I am not a saint. I can go to extremes too. But all that matters to me is that I know that at the end of everything, i will still balance up my emotions and thoughts and reason myself back to the midpoint i always am. So how does it matter to you? You just have to trust me on that. If you find my words depressing, and it agonises you, perhaps its time to do something. It could be me, and it could be you too. If it's the former, then just stop listening to me. If it's the latter, may you do an emotional check on yourself. I am not cute, and I do not act cute. If you find me an eyesore, i'm afraid that's your own problem then. And last but not least(am i writing a GP essay here?), nothing is certain in this world.

Am I explaining myself here? Oh no... See what I mean? If i have to explain everything point that i say, and bring up more points to prove that, and then explain further on those points, see? Will i ever stop? And I'd already spent four whole hours here. :P

+ n0nG n0nG aG0 +

Aiyo aiyo aiyoyo!!! Why is June soooo loonnngggg???
This is gonna be the LONGEST May ever! And the hottest too! hahaha....

May has 31 days. Why is it that no matter how much i count the days, it'll always stay so far from June?

Come on June! Come quickly!
I've got soooo much to look forward to in you!

First of all, RESULTS!! My verdict is coming out on the FIRST week!! Go Go go!! Ops! No is Come come COME!! Everything is sooo UNcertain now. The verdict shall decide where I would continue from here. That's why! Come on June! Hurry come! From now till then, my life will be in turmoil! Come save me bah!! hahaha...

Then, I've got TWO events coming up, one in the 1st week, the other in the last week! But hopefully I can get the tix!! Oh man! I really hope i can get it! I'm soooo looking forward to it! hahaha... Come on C0mE 0N!

Then I'm going CHINA! AGAIN! MUAHAhahaha!!! ZZzzzz..... Yea... It's China again... BUT LUCKILY it's not Guangzhou! Hahaha.. this time I'm going BEIJING!!

YAY!! I'm going to sing
"........one night in Peking.... wo liu xia xu duo qing......."
>.<

I wanna eat my favourite Beijing Jiao Zi aka dumplings! Jiao zi jiao zi, jiao zi jiao zi!! I wanna eat Peking duck!! Guess what? I'm so old already, but I've never tried Peking duck before!! AARRGGHH!! All the ducks in Beijing BEWARE!! The evil witch is coming to town!! Hwahwahwa... *evil laughs*

And besides eating, I'll be having lotsa visiting to do!
Hello Panda! I'm coming to see you! Finally! To think I came all the way to Guangzhou for you last year yet all I saw was an empty cage! Now you don't hide from me ok?
And I wanna climb the GREAT WALL! Yes! The GREAT wall!! Hahaha... I wanna see if it's thick enough to trap David Copperfield in when he tried to walk through it!
I wanna go to the Forbidden City to find Huan Zhu Ge Ge! Oops! I forgot she moved to Yunnan Dali already... Ok! Then I'll go visit The Emperor, Lao Fo Ye, Ziwei and Er kang instead bah! I'll visit Huan Zhu Ge Ge and Wu A-Ge in Yunnan next time.
And last but not least, the MAIN aim of this trip, is to visit my BROTHER!!
BRO!! Your pesky sis is coming!! Muahahahaha... We all miss you so much we're gonna fly dunno how many miles to disturb you! lalalalalalala....

And one of these days, I'm gonna catch X-MEN III - THE LAST STAND!!!!

YAY YAY!!!!
U say HEY and I say H0! Yi qi zou bah! Yi qi zou bah!!
TE A GE LO YO TE A GE L0!! Yi qi zou bah!
YI QI ZOU BAH!!
W00h0O!!!

+ |d vs EP +

Indecisive vs Easily Persuaded

I realised that being indecisive does not mean being easily persuaded.
On the contrary, it may even be opposite. Precisely that one is being indecisive, all the more he is not easily persuaded.

Say given in one situation, on the assumption that neither has any preference prior to the situation, 2 persons, A(a decisive person) & B(an indecisive person), are presented with 2 choices: C & D

Third person E wants to get both A and B to choose choice D. Therefore he tells them the pros and cons of choices C and D, and empathsizes on the advantages of choosing D.

A, being a very decisive person, on hearing of the greater advantage from choosing D, he decided to choose D, and that's it.

B, being a very indecisive person, makes no move yet. Seeing B's hesitation, E proceeded to persuade B on the advantages of choosing D and disadvantages of choosing C. E even spot on B's weakness and used it to further persuade him to choose D.

B, still being very indecisive, decide not to make a choice yet. He does more researches on his own about the 2 choices, taking his own sweet time to juggle the pros and cons of the 2 choices, taking what E said into consideration, and also bearing in mind what he had found out on his own.

E, seeing that B is so indecisive, and getting more indecisive, believes that B is easy prey, and that sooner or later, with further persuasion from him, B will choose choice D.

But in the end, what B chose will be what he decided is the best for himself.

I will not say which choice is the better of the two, nor reveal what B eventually choose.

I just want to say:
A, being a decisive person, will judge things based on what he heard there and then. Given the limited information for consideration, he would naturally choose what seems the best at that instant. Which is not a bad thing except that he is more easily persuaded than B.

B, being indecisive, will take a long time to weigh the pros and cons, and decide on which is best for himself. If he is convinced the other choice is better than what he is persuaded to choose, he will still choose the former. Hence he is less easily persuaded.

There is no right no wrong, no good no bad.
Everything, the choices and the consequences, depends on the situation and character of the person.
However, never assume that all indecisive people are easily persuaded. You may want to shift your targets to those decisive ones instead.
0_^

+ tW|nS +

I can't believe this....

Everyone is unique in some ways. Yet, I've found TWO persons who are unique in EXACTLY the SAME way!! G00DNESS!! How is that possible??

I thought one person being THAT unique in the whole wide world is (bad) enough. But I just realised I've found another one who is so similar to the former, not in terms of looks but in terms of character, the way they think and behave and they way they handle things, that..... I can't help but sigh...

They know each other. But I seriously think they should get to know each other much better.
I strongly believe they are EITHER made for each other, or they will loathe each other so much they can be arch-enemies. Since they are so similar in their thinkings, either they can accept each other's shortcomings and appreciate their virtues, or they can finally discover their own shortcomings through the other person, which could lead to them disliking each other or their own selves. But from what I see, given their characters, it should be the former.

But then again, either ways it will be good. In the former, they can finally find someone who appreciate and understand them, and they could live happily ever after(without being a nuisance to others anymore).

In the latter, after being blinded to their own faults their whole lives, they can finally SEE and understand themselves more, henceforth improving themselves in their characters and personalities. Thus they will be changed into a better people (without being a nuisance to others anymore).

Then there shall be Peace in the world forever.

Isn't this good?
But reality is always different from the ideal.

+GuT +

I never know which am I.
Emotional or Rational.

I know I'm a mixture of both, but more towards which side??
No one seems to know too. Most people agree I am both, but some said i'm a LITTLE towards emotional; some said I'm a BIT towards rational; while the others simply give up trying to guage.

Say in a situation, being rational means when everything favours towards your side, you will go ahead with it. Being emotional means even when the odds are against you, so long as you feel like it, you will still go ahead with it.

But what is that when everything favours you, and you really feel like it, YET there's a TINY little thing holding you back?? And the worse thing is, you can't even locate where is the source of that tiny thing! From the back of your mind, or from the back of your heart? or everywhere in your body?

Is it Gut Feeling??
Or simply no guts??

Hmmm....
Worth pondering.....

+ l0tS +

Do you believe in lots?

Drawing lots is a form of communication between the supreme beings and us. Most people normally draw lots when they seek to have guidance in whichever area they feel lost in. The Kwan Yin Temple is well-known for giving very accurate and good advices.

Do you believe in lots? How would you feel if for the very first time in your life that you ever draw a lot, you get a bad one? How would you feel if it warns you of "xiao ren" aka evil doers? How would you feel if right at this time of your life, you feel that there are indeed possible "xiao ren"s lurking around even before you draw the lot? And they are already beginning to hurt you? How true could that lot be?

It could just be a self fulfilled prophecy.

Or

it could just be

TRUE

+ c0nDeMn +

How would you feel if you've spent ur entire life trying to please someone, only to realise that this person has long ago condemned you for who you are so many years ago and nothing, absolutely NOTHING, can change the condemnation, even if you are a much better or totally different person now?

How would you feel being condemned by the person closest to you?!
Yes! LIFE IS SAD!

Fine! If that's how you want it!
If that's what you want!
If you want to live in the past forever, FINE! Go ahead and condemn me! I wouldn't care less!
If that's what you want, if that's how I am forever in your heart, I shall revert back to the old me! Everything, just for YOU!
Go ahead and hate me! AS IF I CARE!!

PUI!

+ NeVeR sAy d|E +

Last night, I was being nosy and stopped by the television to see what’s showing. It was a reality show, “Never Say Die”.

The contestants were those who had tried their hands in Singapore Idol, Jue Dui Superstar and Star Idol but failed. Initially I wasn’t very much impressed with this show. But as it was, when I stopped to look, they were just showing a segment on the internal strife among the contestants. It seems that all 7 contestants were being very unhappy with the 8th guy and they all unleashed their frustrations and unhappiness on him all in one go. The poor guy took a big blow, and finally shed tears.

For me personally, I also do not take much liking to this guy. But seeing how sad he was… well, I realized he’s still a human. He does have feelings, no matter how eccentric or perverse he may seem. Anyway later on the other contestants explained that they weren’t really ostracizing him. They had tried all means and ways to accept him and to point out his faults to him in a bid to let him improve. However, it had all been in vain, and he just continued keeping himself on their nerves. Until that eruption when no one could take it anymore.

I can truly understand both feelings, that as one of the 7 contestants, and that of the 8th guy. No matter which side you are on, you won’t feel good. I won’t for sure.

But as things cleared up, all of them shook hands as a sign of harmony. A girl passed him a piece of tissue, and all 8 of them sat together, and the camera go around for their after thoughts on this episode. When it was one partular guy's turn, he spoke and got more passionate with each word.

“We, the 8 of us, are in this TOGETHER! We should all MOVE FORWARD as ONE! We will leave NO MAN behind!
LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND!!
NEVER SAY DIE!!”

He ended his speech standing up and making a huge warrior gesture. And we saw the 8 of them, putting their hands together, a show of unity. And at this point of time, I realized my eyes were tearing, and I didn’t even notice that.

When was the last time I heard words like this? It sounded so familiar, yet so long ago. I could feel the same emotions in them too.

Yesterday was a bad day. It doesn’t help that I was caught out of my house by the rain for 3 whole hours and still had to cycle home in the rain after the long wait. Then upon reaching my house, I faced the risk of incurring my friend’s wrath, only to realize I only have 8 hours left to prepare for a morning paper on the next day which is this morning, which I had covered less than a quarter of what I had to digest. And on top of it, I had to bear the consequences of the actions of some irresponsible parents, and I couldn’t let it out.

Perhaps I was fated to watch this segment of “Never Say Die”. Perhaps it was to tell me not to give up. Just like the contestants, they were given a second chance, and they were going all out to grab that opportunity and use it to the fullest. I was given my chance too. No matter who is going to bring me down, no matter who WANTS to bring me down, no matter who likes to see me down, I tell you now! I SHALL NEVER SAY DIE!! (ok.. even though I’m already a spirit and the fact that I’m already dead…) BUT my SPIRIT shall still go on!!! MUAHAHA!!

It seems that the offstage moments of this reality show are even more dramatic than what it already is. This is a competition, yet there is no competitiveness involved. Instead, all of them seek to help each other and strives to improve themselves. They could have jolly well made use of this chance to bring down that guy to increase their own confidence, but all they wanted to do was to help him, though things did turn wayward. But in the end, in this particular episode, I could really see an improvement in this 8th guy.

Talk about the extent of touching people’s hearts. They always occur in the most subtle form in the direst situations. Plus the fact that this is coming from a group of not-as-good-looking-as and do-not-sing-as-well-as an average person u find on the streets.

But they have something which most people don’t have. The never-say-die attitude.

And that is the difference.

+ Sp|r|t +

Since I already died on 20 April 2006, this is my spirit talking here...

Being a spirit, I've spent more time thinking over my life, and a notion simply pop up to me..

I wonder, how memorable it would be if one can graduate from University, ending her educational life, with someone she truly likes. On the Convocation Day, both wear the graduation robes, take a picture together, with triumphant smiles on their faces. Somehow it seems to signify both of them have come so far, fighting battles together, and finally be able to graduate together... even if they are purely friends.

I suddenly realise, since a long time ago, one of the big motivations to make me want to graduate, on time, is that picture. Even if he doesn't like me. Even if we are just friends. Even if he is attached. Even if it signifies that chances of meeting him again after that day is down to 0.00009.
At least i still have that picture, to remind me of him, of the days when we fought on together, encouraging each other not to give up under the tremendous stress n pressure in Uni life.

All I want and can only wish for is that photo. But can I even graduate on time? With him?
This final battle is only half over. And I'm already dead. Oh.. how did I die? I was crushed by reinforced concrete. Stupid sia.. Concrete is already bad enough, REINFORCED concrete somemore! No wonder i died such a horrible death... haiz...

But I'm still a spirit, or soul, or as some scientific people insist, a bulk of energy left hovering in the world. I'm not yet a ghost, so don't worry, i won't bite. I'm still waiting for the judgement day 6 weeks from now, where i shall face the verdict or either going to hell, or heaven, or be allowed to resurrect.


And meanwhile, even when I am a spirit, a soul, or a lump of energy, the battle must go on.

+ R.|.P. +

She came.
She lived.
Today
she died.

Rest.In.Peace.

+ hErE +

It is finally coming.
The Beginning of an Ending.
The Ending to a new Beginning.
I hope so.
I certainly hope so.
I really wish so.
I KNOW it is so.

It.is.finally.here.

+ SpAm +

AAAaaahhhhHHHHH!!!!!! I WANNA SH0000OOUT!!! I WANNA SCREAMMM!!!!!! HHHeeeEELLLPPPPP!! TERRORISTs ARE COMINNNGGGGG IN FF00OOuuuRRRR DDAAAYYYYSSSSSS!!!!!! SSSsoooo000OO SSCCCCAAARRRRYYYYYYYY!!!!!! RRrruuuUUUUNNNN F0000rrrrRR YOURRrr LLIIIVVVEEEESSSS!!! HHHEEEELLLLPPPPPPP!!!!! RRRRUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!! SAAAVEEE ME SOMEBODY!!!! WHHHHOOO0000ooo CAN SAVE MMEEEeeee?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? AAaAAAHHHHH!!!! THEY ARRRREEEEE COMINNNNGG!!! SSSSSOOOOOO SSSCCCCAAAAARRRRYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! AAAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+ HApp| fAm|Ly +

What makes a happy family?
What makes a family happy?

A happy family is not one who cares for you so much that they restrict you in every way in your life as they deem is not right enough for you.

A happy family is not one who respects you so much that they don't bother in whatever you do because they believe you are grown-up and sensible enough to know what you are doing and that you will and be able to take responsiblity for it.

A happy family is one who cares for you enough to bother themselves with whatever you do, and yet respects you enough to give appropriate advices and support you in your decisions.

How much is enough?

How much "enough" makes a family happy?
Enough "what" makes a happy family?

What is happy family?

+ tHe sEaRcH +

I know I'm dead tired and can't think clearly, but i JUST have to write this down.

Just had a chat with a long time friend. Someone whom i'd always looked up to because she thinks deep. And deep it is. One thing she said just now, which should be enough to let me ponder for a few nights, provided i still remember.

" It's always the minority who has to give in to the world.
If it's you VS the world,
you'll be the one who has to find a place that belongs to you, not the world.
The world will just pass by you. "

This is all i can remember. Well, what can you expect of someone who hadn't slept properly for 2 days n nights? Anyway, somehow i like those phrases. Especially the "the world will just pass by you".

I told her isn't it pathetic? To have to find that place that belongs to ourselves?
What if i can never find it? What if it's too late? what if it never exist?

Then again, true happiness might be in the process of searching for it.
Maybe i'll never find it. Maybe i can find something else along the way. Maybe till the day i die, I can't find it, but i have enjoyed every moment in the search. Maybe i can see the world pass by me. Or maybe it is me who pass by the world, not the world pass me by.
Maybe.... Just maybe....

~~goodnight & sweet dreamz!~~

+ Ch00sE 1 oUt oF 2 +

In Life, there are many times when we cannot have the best of both worlds.

For instance:

I love heros.
I hate wars.

Heros are born out of wars.
So heros = wars.
=> no wars = no heros

So I'll never find someone i love.

So now what?

People say, Love should be stronger than Hate.
Ok. I can live with wars so long as i get my hero, coz i love my hero more than i hate wars.

Muahaahaha! What rubbish!

Now that's why i say, many a times, no one can have the best of both worlds.
In this case, I'll choose to have no war, and no hero.

I shall have no heros to love. But i have my family and friends, and all the people living in harmony in this whole wide world!

LONG LIVE WORLD PEACE!!!

+ EnT|T|EmEnT +

There are certain things in life which some people are entitled to since their births. And which some other people can never attain in their lives.

Some one asked me for advice before. About a decision that could affect his life, at least for now. He had consulted others before. Those who encouraged him would list him one whole chunk of advantages. Those who discouraged, listed the opposite.

He came to me, still undecided.

I was silent for a long while. What he should know, he knew already. So I finally told him.

"If i were YOU in YOUR exact situation, I would go.
If i were ME in YOUR exact situation, I would not go.
Why? You know it very well yourself."

I can't believe i said this! This was like the best advice i can ever give to any one! And by doing so, i've expressing all my views and opinions and feelings already!
Simple and flat. No sides taken. I had made a smart advice. The rest was up to him.

Why have i told him thus? Because he possessed the entitlement. And i believed he knew it himself too. Because he didn't probe further. He's a smart kid.

Anyway, i believe he had made a smart choice. Well, as i'd said, he's smart.

Only those without the entitlement are qualified to give smart advice, because they have no entitlement to do otherwise.

+ A dAy g0nE bAd +

I shan't be sarcastic here and complain and grumble about how SOME PEOPLE spoil my day. When I'm pissed, I'm pissed. I'll directly say, someONE spoiled my day today. But in order to protect her, i shan't use her name. And you shan't guess either.

We were supposed to meet someone else at 130pm. But I was going to be late. She was already in that vincity of the meeting place. I called her up and we agreed on her continuing to meet him at the original time and me joining them at 2pm. I rushed like don't know what to get there at the appointed time, making me look like a mess along the way. And i did manage to reach there exactly at the time i said i would reach. 2pm.

Guess what? I barged into his room, all flustered and a mess, and i saw him. And him only. With an extremely pissed off face.
He: Yes?
Me: Erm.. She has not reached yet? Or has she left already?
He: She said to change the time to 230pm. She said you can only reach at 230pm.
Me: Oh she did? Or shall I start first?
He: No no. I'm not free now, I'm not always free you know? And both of you should come together. You shall come at 230pm.
Me: Oh.. Ok sorry. I'll come at a later time then.

I was thus rejected from his room. The moment i stepped out of his office, i called her up, feeling quite ridiculous and foolish. Turned out she was still preparing her stuffs. I told her about what happened to me. She laughed. Laughed! Not a single trace of empathy!

Okay. I'm not a petty person. It was my fault I'm late. Even if he wanted us to see him together, we can both see him at 2pm when i reached! Okay, so she was worried that i cant make it on time at 2pm, and so she fixed the time at 230pm. Perfectly fine.

But as a friend, she didn't even show the slightest empathy and sensitivity with me when i told her i was being chased out, and it's due to a mistake that SHE, intentionally or unintentionally, made. Instead, she LAUGHED it off as if it was a big joke. May I know what is so funny about a friend being made a fool?
Okay, friends aside. Even without friendship, just as a colleague, didn't she have the SLIGHTEST courtesy to at least inform me that she had changed the time? Yes, half an hour is no big deal! But if i was informed, I wouldn't have barged into someone's room making a fool out of myself! If i was informed, I could have gotten my lunch before the meeting at 2pm and not 2 hours later at 4pm!

"Money makes the world go round. Hunger makes ME go MAD!"

If she had simply said,"Oops! Sorry I forgot to inform you that i changed the time."(basic manners), my day would still be as good. But no. She LAUGHED! that's the worst part. What a sadist! She enjoyed seeing me in distress?!

By the time i knew, I didn't have enough time to grab something properly. I spent the next 15 mins walking around the area, trying to make myself cool down, and sitting in front of somewhere looking like a complete idiot!

At 230pm, no sight of her. 235pm, no trace. I called her at 240pm. She told me she's still tidying up her stuffs and would be done in 5-10 mins, and asked me to see him first. Ok. So if i didn't call her, i would still be waiting and the both of us would be late again. And it'll be my fault, because it was me who was late in the first place and she was already there.

To put it across nicely, she was just being irresponsible of not informing me that she changed the time, nor that she would be late for the meeting at 230pm.
To put it out harshly, one can say she used me as a shield to postpone the time when she was the one who needed the time to complete her stuffs and made me the scapegoat.

Well, i gave her the benefit of doubt.

But i was still hungry. I pulled a LONG face throughout the whole meeting. No point putting on a facade. That's being hypocritical.

Funny thing was, 4 hours later at 615pm, she sms-ed me.
She: hey girl sorry i forgot to inform you about coming later today.
(I'd already forgotten the matter, but i decided to let her know of my displeasure)
Me: Wah.. Not bad sia.. you actually took 4 hours to realise you're sorry? ok. Apology accepted.
( I thought that was the end of the episode. Until i recieved another sms from her)
She: Huh? It wasnt on purpose ma. And like you never did anything bad to me before.. anything

??!!!???!!!???!!

What was that suppose to mean? So i guess she wasn't serious when she said sorry? I'm not even reprimanding her loh! She can save that 'sorry'.
And what did she mean with the 2nd part of her msg? So me doing anything bad to her in the past would deny her the fact that she did something bad to me?! So I'd have lost all rights to feel angry? And what have i done to her? Have i harmed her in any way? Even if i had displeased her in the past, I would have said sorry to her immediately and i had meant it, even if she had not deserved it! But the fact is, I'm pissed with her today solely because of what she had done today! I was not even taking into consideration her faults in the past! And now she's trying to dig the past out so that she can escape her present guilt?

This is just a miscommunication. It's not as if she really did anything bad to me. I wasn't even scolding her! Does she need to be so defensive?
It's totally out of point! Does she even know what i was pissed with her about? Faint.

To this girl:
If you happen to see this entry, and you felt greatly disturbed and maligned, feel free to call me up and we can clarify the matter once and for all. This is actually a small matter and I have no wish to start a war. I'm not trying to criticise you on my blog. I'm just relating my day on it.